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Some People View teenage conflict with their parents as a necessary part of growing up, whilst others see it as something negative which could be avoided. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.3

Some People View teenage conflict with their parents as a necessary part of growing up, whilst others see it as something negative which could be avoided. v. 3
Some people think that teenagers have conflicts with their parents as a part of their growth while few view it as something negative which must be avoided. I accept with both sides of perceptions and my views are briefly explained in the following passage. Teenagers mindset will be so confusing and get addicted to most useless and unwanted things. Nowadays, parents are so busy with their work and responsibilities. They don't have enough time to spend with their children. Indeed, this results in differences between parents and their young one's. Caretakers must concentrate on their kids about what they are doing also in what they are interested. How much busy they are, one of the parents must spend at least some quantity of time with their kids in a day. Indirectly, this changes the way of thinking in the teenagers. Consequently, if the activities of the young one's are not observed and controlled by their parents definitely there will be a negative effect on them. In these days, as parents are not at all bothering about their children, most of them are spending much time with their mobiles, laptops, tablets. Indeed, one forgetting about the things happening around them. This also reflects the behaviour of individual's with elder one's. Coherently, one will also get relative health issues if they always engage with their electronic gadgets. After having considered all the points that I have discussed above, we can finally draw a conclusion that the young one's must have the guidance of their parents. At the same time, parents should always communicate with their kids and also keep a surveillance on their kids activities which avoid them to distract their minds towards negative activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have conflicts with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as a part of their growth while
Possible agreement error. The noun view seems to be countable; consider using: "few views".
few view
it as something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be avoided
. I accept with both sides of perceptions and my views are
briefly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in the following passage.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
mindset will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
confusing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to most useless and unwanted things. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy with their work and responsibilities. They don't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend with their children.
Indeed
, this results in differences between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and their young one's. Caretakers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
concentrate on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
about what they are doing
also
in what they
are interested
. How much busy they are, one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
spend at least
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
quantity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in a day.
Indirectly
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
the way of thinking in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

Consequently
, if the activities of the young
Did you mean the plural instead of the possessive?
one's
are not observed and controlled by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
definitely there will be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on them. In these days, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are not at all bothering about their children, most of them are spending much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their mobiles, laptops, tablets.
Indeed
, one forgetting about the things happening around them. This
also
reflects the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of individual's with elder one's.

Coherently
, one will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relative health issues if they always engage with their electronic gadgets.

After having considered all the points that I have discussed above, we can
finally
draw a conclusion that the young one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have the guidance of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should always communicate with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a surveillance on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
activities which avoid them to distract their minds towards
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
activities.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some People View teenage conflict with their parents as a necessary part of growing up, whilst others see it as something negative which could be avoided. v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
283 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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