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In some parts of the world, it is becoming increasingly popular to try to find out the history of someone’s family. v.2

In some parts of the world, it is becoming increasingly popular to try to find out the history of someone’s family. v. 2
Recently, in most countries, it has been becoming a trend finding the history of people's life, especially their family backgrounds. This trend can lead to several benefits for many aspects such as easing the employers to get a necessary employee, or collecting data of social ranges in the countries for further uses, or even preserving historical backgrounds among the nations. This essay, as my point of view lead to, will elaborate more about the reasons people doing this as I believe that this trend is a good improvement. Firstly, how a family educates their children influences the way of thinking of the children in some ways. Besides, the beliefs the family holds and teaches the children will always be with the children. Thus the first school for the children is the house they live in. An employee with so scheduled activities can be related to the way to the way of his/her parents educating him/her. Relating to this, corporations take this indicator, the family backgrounds, as one of the considerations to select the applicants for appropriate positions. Secondly, historians recognise this as an academic interest. They collect the information as much as they can attempt to gain perspectives of social, economy, and also culture from the society. They use this as the database to preserve the historical background to remind the young generations to not to forget about their own personal background family as well as to make several suggestion policies which are proper for the condition of the group of families inside the country for the government. As the result, there will be massive positive outcomes for both individuals and governments to deal with severe problems in society because the database includes beliefs, values, religions, and other relating things from the society. To sum up, having considered all views above, I believe there will always be great to find out the historic background of families in the society.
Recently, in most countries, it has been becoming a trend finding the history of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life,
especially
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
backgrounds
. This trend can lead to several benefits for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects such as easing the employers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a necessary employee, or collecting data of social ranges in the countries for
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
, or even preserving historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
backgrounds
among the nations. This essay, as my point of view lead to, will elaborate more about the reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
doing this as I believe that this trend is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
improvement.

Firstly
, how a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
educates their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
influences the way of thinking of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways.
Besides
, the beliefs the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
holds and teaches the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will always be with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the
first
school for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in. An employee with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
scheduled activities can
be related
to the way to the way of his/her parents educating him/her. Relating to this, corporations take this indicator, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
backgrounds
, as one of the considerations to select the applicants for appropriate positions.

Secondly
, historians
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognise' is British English.
recognise
this as an academic interest. They collect the information as much as they can attempt to gain perspectives of social, economy, and
also
culture from the society. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this as the database to preserve the historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
background
to remind the young generations
One 'to' seems to be obsolete.
to not to
forget about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
background
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as well
as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
several suggestion policies which are proper for the condition of the group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
inside the country for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. As the result, there will be massive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcomes for both individuals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to deal with severe problems in society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the database includes beliefs, values, religions, and other relating things from the society.

To sum up, having considered all views above, I believe there will always be great to find out the historic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
background
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
in the society.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In some parts of the world, it is becoming increasingly popular to try to find out the history of someone’s family. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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