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In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.6

In the new era of humanity, people’s working hours and study styles have changed completely. Teenagers and young adults have not got a lot of free time and they are forced to work hard on their work and studies in some countries. In this essay I am going to share the causes of this issue and suggest possible solutions. First of all, there are some causes of this problem such as overpopulation, overconsumption, and inequality in society. First purpose is overpopulation which caused a lot of changes in human life in recent years. In some countries it is easier to observe the effects, for example in Turkey in the last decade, population has increased dramatically, not only because of birth rate but also because of immigration and as a result, demands of society have risen and to provide those demands working hours increased sharply. The second source is related with unawareness and selfishness. People started to buy new things even though they had no need, because of new trends and commercial policies in recent years. So, regardless of their social statue in society people started to work more and consume more unconsciously. The last cause of this issue is inequality, which has continued for a long time in the world. Current system supports inequality and it causes poverty in some parts of countries and priorities of governments caused this problem in society. The best way to solve the problem is focusing on the causes of this. First solution is controlling the acceleration of population according to resources of the country. With this method we can provide the same salary with less working hours, and people can enjoy their free time, which helps the mental health of society a lot. Second suggestion is educating people about consumption and informing them about our resources. With the help of the aware society, we can use resources more efficiently, and we can use our leisure time more beneficial. The third and final suggestion is providing the same opportunities to the people, governments should control this and resources should be shared to the society equally. So, people can spend less time at work and can have fun in their spare time. In conclusion, in some countries working hours and leisure time are not balanced and to change this situation we need to figure out the causes and focus on them to solve this problem.
In the new era of humanity,
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people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and study styles have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
completely.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
and young adults have not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
free
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they
are forced
to
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work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and studies in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. In this essay I am going to share the
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causes
of this issue and suggest possible solutions.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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causes
of this
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problem
such as overpopulation, overconsumption, and inequality in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
First
purpose is overpopulation which caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in human life in recent years. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
it is easier to observe the effects,
for example
in Turkey in the last decade, population has increased
dramatically
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of birth rate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of immigration and
as a result
, demands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
have risen and to provide those demands
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
increased
sharply
. The second source
is related
with unawareness and selfishness.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
new things
even though
they had no need,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of new trends and commercial policies in recent years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, regardless of their social statue in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more and consume more
unconsciously
. The last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of this issue is inequality, which has continued for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the world.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Current
system supports
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
inequality and
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
poverty in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and priorities of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
caused this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in society.

The best way to solve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is focusing on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
of this.
First
solution is controlling the acceleration of population according to resources of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. With this method we can provide the same salary with less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can enjoy their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the mental health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
a lot. Second suggestion is educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about consumption and informing them about our resources. With the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the aware
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
resources more
efficiently
, and we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
our leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
more beneficial. The third and final suggestion is providing the same opportunities to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should control this and resources should
be shared
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
equally
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and can have fun in their spare time.

In conclusion
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
are not balanced and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
this situation we need to figure out the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
and focus on them to solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
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IELTS essay In some countries young people have little leisure and are under a lot of pressure to work hard on their studies what do you think are the causes of this? what solutions can you suggest?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
399 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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