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In some countries young people have less leisure time and under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.1

In some countries young people have less leisure time and under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 1
Young people from different countries lack being productive due to having limited time. In this condition they may have low self esteem and depression. Nevertheless, if they start to be planned and focus on the necessary item, then they will overcome the problems. Ultimately youngsters have continuously felt pressured to accomplish lots of tasks related to the insufficient time. On the one hand, they end up experiencing a low self esteem which their daily life. Because of this, they feel not like a real person which is why they do not even try to do anything. Furthermore, if it goes on in this way, they will be damaged by depression. Depression is the part of life, force people to do undesired things like committing suicide. Fortunately, there are two steps to apply everyday life. Firstly, what they need is discipline, therefore planning their daily life would benefit them to the unprecedented scale. So far, they have done things in a haphazard manner, without realizing the importance of it. Moreover, they can add fun activities into their schedule to make their day more interesting. Secondly, even if they find adding important things into their table difficult, initially they can stick to the most essential, but it is better to implement a rather hard thing. Focusing on a crucial task, will strengthen their concentration skills and keep them inspired. Thirdly, if parents, professionals helped them in this period the offspring would overcome without being hurt most. To do it, they can give their advice to prevent the bad cases. To sum up, at the early stage of life people are more likely to suffer from the existing circumstances. Consequently, face the hardships like a low level of self believe and feeling of anxiety. In my view, if they apply above mentioned solutions at the end they will contribute them in a positive way and lower the seriousness of the depression level.
Young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries lack being productive due to having limited time. In this condition they may have low
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self esteem
and depression.
Nevertheless
, if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
be planned
and focus on the necessary item, then they will overcome the problems.

Ultimately
youngsters have
continuously
felt pressured to accomplish lots of tasks related to the insufficient time. On the one hand, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up experiencing a low
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self esteem
which their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Because of this
, they feel not like a real person which is why they do not even try to do anything.
Furthermore
, if it goes on in this way, they will
be damaged
by depression. Depression is the part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, force
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to do undesired things like committing suicide.

Fortunately
, there are two steps to apply everyday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Firstly
, what they need is discipline,
therefore
planning their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
would benefit them to the unprecedented scale.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
far, they have done things
Consider replacing "in a haphazard manner" with the adverb for "haphazard"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a haphazard manner
, without realizing the importance of it.
Moreover
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
fun activities into their schedule to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their day more interesting.
Secondly
, even if they find adding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things into their table difficult,
initially
they can stick to the most essential,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is better to implement a
rather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
thing. Focusing on a crucial task, will strengthen their concentration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them inspired.
Thirdly
, if parents, professionals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them in this period the offspring would overcome without
being hurt
most. To do it, they can give their advice to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
cases.

To sum up, at the early stage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more likely to suffer from the existing circumstances.
Consequently
, face the hardships like a low level of self believe and feeling of anxiety. In my view, if they apply above mentioned solutions at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
they will contribute them in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way and lower the seriousness of the depression level.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries young people have less leisure time and under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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