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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 5
People around the world are currently getting more obese, and they also have to face with increasing health problems. There are some factors leading to this, and effective solutions should be produced soon to prevent this issue. To begin with, there are several elements that cause health deterioration. Firstly, individuals these days tend to eat too much fast food. This kind of food is extremely convenient and time-saving, so people increasingly consume fast food despite knowing its harmful effects. As a result, those diners who eat an excessive amount of fast food are more likely to suffer from obesity or diabetes. Secondly, young people often lack physical activities due to their limited free time. In this modern life, everyone is busy working and therefore does not have enough time for exercises. However, some feasible measures could be used to tackle this problem. First, the government should limit the amount of fast food consumed. This can be done by increasing tax rates on selling fast food or running advertising campaigns to raise people’s awareness. The quality of fast food restaurants must also be controlled by the authorities. Furthermore, citizens should be encouraged to exercise more. The government needs to invest more money on constructing sports facilities or holding sports competitions for non-professionals. For example, office workers might have more incentive to play sports if they can win money from taking part in competitions. In conclusion, the health of people is getting worse because of some reasons, and there should be some possible solutions for this serious problem.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
around the world are
currently
getting more obese, and they
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face with increasing health problems. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors leading to this, and effective solutions should
be produced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this issue.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several elements that cause health deterioration.
Firstly
, individuals these days tend to eat too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. This kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
extremely
convenient and time-saving,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
increasingly
consume
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
despite knowing its harmful effects.
As a result
, those diners who eat an excessive amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
are more likely to suffer from obesity or diabetes.
Secondly
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lack physical activities due to their limited free time. In this modern life, everyone is busy working and
therefore
does not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for exercises.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
feasible measures could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to tackle this problem.
First
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should limit the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
consumed. This can
be done
by increasing tax rates on selling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or running advertising campaigns to raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
awareness. The quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
be controlled
by the authorities.
Furthermore
, citizens should
be encouraged
to exercise more. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to invest more money on constructing sports facilities or holding sports competitions for non-professionals.
For example
, office workers might have more incentive to play sports if they can win money from taking part in competitions.

In conclusion
, the health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is getting worse
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons, and there should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions for this serious problem.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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