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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.16

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 16
Healthcare is a highly-concerning issue in recent years. However, a substantial increasing trend in people‘s mean weight with a drop in their health and fitness levels are observed. Relatively high prices of healthy food and long working hours may be reasons for that. In this essay, I tend to discuss these factors and their solutions. Firstly, there is an inverse relation between price and the quality of food. For example, in most supermarkets, a pack of chips is often found to be much cheaper than broccoli. This difference in price may lower people‘s desires of purchasing healthier food, which results in many people buying junk food instead of vegetables and fruits. One possible solution for this can be imposing heavier taxes on junk food by the government, as taxes can reduce both the desires of purchasing by consumers and the quantity produced by the producers. Secondly, longer working hours make exercising difficult. For example, nowadays, 7: 00 is the average homecoming time for most adults and is often not enough time to exercise after work. This results in a bad habit which may cause obesity and other chronic diseases in the long term. A solution for this can be organising exercise time for employees. This can cause them to have a habit of exercising every day, either to stay healthy or keep in shape. In a nutshell, imposing heavier taxes on junk food by the government can help solve the problems where junk food is often much cheaper than healthier food. Another reason can be working long hours, which causes employees to have less exercise time. Thereby, companies can organise an exercising time for them where they can exercise all together, allowing them to stay healthy.
Healthcare is a
highly
-concerning issue in recent years.
However
, a substantial increasing trend in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
‘s mean weight with a drop in their health and fitness levels
are observed
.
Relatively
high prices of healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and long working hours may be reasons for that. In this essay, I tend to discuss these factors and their solutions.

Firstly
, there is an inverse relation between price and the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
For example
, in most supermarkets, a pack of chips is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
found to be much cheaper than broccoli. This difference in price may lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
‘s desires of purchasing healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, which results in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
instead
of vegetables and fruits. One possible solution for this can be imposing heavier taxes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, as taxes can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
both the desires of purchasing by consumers and the quantity produced by the producers.

Secondly
, longer working hours
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
exercising difficult.
For example
, nowadays, 7: 00 is the average homecoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for most adults and is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
after work. This results in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit which may cause obesity and other chronic diseases in the long term. A solution for this can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'organising' is British English.
organising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for employees. This can cause them to have a habit of exercising every day, either to stay healthy or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in shape.

In a nutshell, imposing heavier taxes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
solve the problems where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
much cheaper than healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. Another reason can be working long hours, which causes employees to have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Thereby,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
an exercising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for them where they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
all together, allowing them to stay healthy.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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