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In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.2

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 2
As a matter of fact, in many nations daily routine of an individual has been affected by advancements in technology. As a result, people are becoming fatter as well as physical fitness along with health has been degraded in some countries. These problems have been raised due to use of various types of equipment and irregular food habits, which can make folk sick and physically weak. However, for each problem, solutions are always available that need to be followed by citizens. In the case of weight, if BMI is maintained then, it is not the matter of overweight, but if it exceeds then, it may adversely effect on health. Recently, the cases of heart attack and high blood pressure have been increased that is due to additional cholesterol and fat in the body. To solve this problem, humans can follow an appropriate diet plan as per their daily routine. In addition to this, food items with high fat like oil, cheese and fast food should be avoided and they should eat foods with more nutrition and vitamins to stay healthy. On the other hand, day by day due to use of technological devices in our daily routine required physical efforts have been reduced. As a result, physical strength is decreasing, which can be increased by regular yoga, pranayama and exercises. For example, many people are going to yoga class or gym to maintain their fitness as well as to boost their strength. All in all, over the weight of civics is one of the biggest challenges which causes health issues and makes them physically weak. Hence, little bit awareness and implementation of good food habits and everyday exercises can be effective to maintain weight. These days, young generation consume more fast food than the food which is full of vitamins and nutrition, so, the overweight will be one of the biggest challenges in the future.
As a matter of fact, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations daily routine of an individual has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by advancements in technology.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are becoming fatter
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
well as physical fitness along with health has
been degraded
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries. These problems have
been raised
due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of various types of equipment and irregular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
habits, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
folk sick and
physically
weak.
However
, for each problem, solutions are always available that need to
be followed
by citizens.

In the case of weight, if BMI
is maintained
then, it is not the matter of overweight,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if it exceeds then, it may
adversely
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
on health. Recently, the cases of heart attack and high blood pressure have
been increased
that is
due to additional cholesterol and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
in the body. To solve this problem, humans can follow an appropriate diet plan as per their daily routine.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
items with high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
like oil, cheese and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
should be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
avoided and
they should eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
with more nutrition and vitamins to stay healthy.

On the other hand
, day by day due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technological devices in our daily routine required physical efforts have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
As a result
, physical strength is decreasing, which can
be increased
by regular yoga,
Possible spelling mistake found.
pranayama
and exercises.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are going to yoga
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or gym to maintain their fitness
as well
as to boost their strength.

All in all, over the weight of civics is one of the biggest challenges which causes health issues and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
physically
weak.
Hence
,
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
awareness and implementation of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
habits and everyday exercises can be effective to maintain weight. These days, young generation consume more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which is full of vitamins and nutrition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, the overweight will be one of the biggest challenges in the future.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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