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In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society? v.5

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society? v. 5
In some nations, parents force students to invest excessive study hours while reducing their leisure time. I opine that this imposes negative impacts on children, including the lack of employability skills and mental health problems. Firstly, the principal drawback of this trend is the insufficiency of practical skills that students may need when joining the labour force. More specifically, if students are occupied by prolonged study hours, they would spend less time for extra-curricular activities, which provide perfect opportunities to obtain the soft skills like interpersonal skills or multi-tasking. These are what managers seek in their job candidates and graduates lacking they would have less chance to be employed. For instance, Apple, a popular technology company, prioritizes team players because developing software is group work. Therefore, students being too fixated on improving academic achievement are less likely to be recruited than those who are able to balance between studying and socializing. Secondly, studying too much potentially leads to psychosomatic ailments in children. This is because students often feel overloaded, stressed, or even depressed when they have to focus on dull, boring lessons for an extended period. The decreased levels of happiness may give rise to aggressive and anti-social behaviour among juvenile pupils, which would be harmful to their society. For example, in 1995, an adolescent murderer who killed parents claimed that they had been forcing him to study incessantly to achieve high scores in the class. The kid was under pressure for a long time and eventually committed the crime as a way of stress-relieving. In conclusion, the expectation of parents that their children should set aside excessive hours to study and have less recess time would result in students’ inadequate practical skills and reduced mental health conditions. Therefore, I believe this idea has negative effects on both children and society.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations, parents force
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to invest excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
hours while reducing their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. I opine that this imposes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, including the lack of employability
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and mental health problems.

Firstly
, the principal drawback of this trend is the insufficiency of practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may need when joining the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force. More
specifically
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are occupied
by prolonged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
hours, they would spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for extra-curricular activities, which provide perfect opportunities to obtain the soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
like interpersonal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
or multi-tasking. These are what managers seek in their job candidates and graduates lacking they would have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
chance to
be employed
.
For instance
, Apple, a popular technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, prioritizes team players
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
developing software is group work.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
being too fixated on improving academic achievement are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
likely to
be recruited
than those who are able to balance between studying and socializing.

Secondly
, studying too much
potentially
leads to psychosomatic ailments in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
feel overloaded,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
, or even depressed when they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
focus on dull, boring lessons for an extended period. The decreased levels of happiness may give rise to aggressive and anti-social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
among juvenile pupils, which would be harmful to their society.
For example
, in 1995, an adolescent murderer who killed parents claimed that they had been forcing him to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
incessantly
to achieve high scores in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. The kid was under pressure for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
eventually
committed the crime as a way of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-relieving.

In conclusion
, the expectation of parents that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should set aside excessive hours to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
recess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
would result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
inadequate practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
mental health conditions.
Therefore
, I believe this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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