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In some countries, more and more shops are open longer hours every day. What are positive and negative development of this? v.1

In some countries, more and more shops are open longer hours every day. What are positive and negative development of this? v. 1
Due to globalization, retail stores in some countries are open round the clock. In my opinion, I believe this to be a positive development due to the plethora of reasons. On the brighter side, the opening of retail outlets 24x7 will strengthen the economy of the country. Due to longer working hours, the sales will increase which results in generating more revenues. For example, a study by Business Today magazine has proved that shops which are open day and night earn more profit and pay more tax to the government. Furthermore, this trend is a blessing in disguise for the people working odd hours. With shops open round the clock they can buy anything they need. For instance, people can buy medicines, food and other stuff at any time of the day. Thus longer working duration of shops will be beneficial for both the people and country. On the darker side, there are few negatives of this modern trend. Firstly, it will drastically impact the health of the people indulge in 24x7 business. People become prone to many noxious diseases like insomnia, diabetes and a lot more. For instance, even a study by the Medical department of Oxford University has proved that people working long hours at workplaces gain dangerous diseases such as depression and diabetes. Secondly, more electricity is consumed when the stores are open for the entire day. Consequently, this will increase the price of electricity and put a burden on the pocket of the common people. Therefore, due to all these reason, it is considered to be the negative development. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the benefits of opening shops long hours overweight the drawbacks. However, by taking some health measures and adopting other alternative source of energy we can transform the cons in the pros.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Due
to globalization, retail stores in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
open
round the clock. In my opinion, I believe this to be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the plethora of reasons.

On the brighter side, the opening of retail outlets
Replace by the typographical symbol.
24x7
will strengthen the economy of the country.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Due
to longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, the sales will increase which results in generating more revenues.
For example
, a study by Business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
magazine has proved that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
which are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
open
day and night earn more profit and pay more tax to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Furthermore
, this trend is a blessing in disguise for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
odd
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. With
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
open
round the clock they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anything they need.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
medicines, food and other stuff at any time of the day.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
duration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
will be beneficial for both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and country.

On the darker side, there are few negatives of this modern trend.
Firstly
, it will
drastically
impact the health of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
indulge in
Replace by the typographical symbol.
24x7
business.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
become prone to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
noxious diseases like insomnia, diabetes and a lot more.
For instance
, even a study by the Medical department of Oxford University has proved that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at workplaces gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
diseases such as depression and diabetes.
Secondly
, more electricity
is consumed
when the stores are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
open
for the entire day.
Consequently
, this will increase the price of electricity and put a burden on the pocket of the common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to all these reason, it
is considered
to be the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that the benefits of opening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
overweight the drawbacks.
However
, by taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
health measures and adopting other alternative source of energy we can transform the cons in the pros.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In some countries, more and more shops are open longer hours every day. What are positive and negative development of this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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