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In some countries it is common for women to participate in their workforce when their children are young . What are the advantages and disadvantages of that

In some countries, it is common for women to participate in the workforce when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages? v. 2
Nowadays, women need to resume the work immediately after their delivery. This trend has a lot of advantages and disadvantages. To begin, the advantages include family will get two persons income for their expenses. In this modern life two people income really needed to fulfill our daily needs. Secondly, the children become more independent soon, they will be aware about the responsibilities and will learn how to do their routine work independently. In addition, elders will take care of youngers and they will help each other for their daily routine. However, there is drawback too. Main disadvantages is the child will get enough breastfeed which they need gor their age. It may cause many health issues. Secondly, parents doesn't have time to take care of their children, so they addicted with bad habits. The small ones will not get enough care from their parents due to the fact that some children doesn't know value of their parents. In addition, parents doesn't know how to handle them in som circumstances. To conclude, the mother has to stay with their child until the first birthday. In European countries, mother allowed to take leave for one year, this trend need to continue for other countries too. It is very beneficial for the young generation, for their initial development.
Nowadays, women
need
to resume the work immediately after their delivery. This trend has
a lot of
advantages and disadvantages. To
begin
, the advantages include family will
get
two persons income for their expenses. In this modern life two
people
income
really
needed to fulfill our daily
needs
.
Secondly
, the children become more independent
soon
, they will be aware about the responsibilities and will learn how to do their routine work
independently
.
In addition
, elders will take care of
youngers and
they will
help
each other for their daily routine.
However
, there is drawback too. Main disadvantages is the child will
get
enough
breastfeed which they
need
gor
their age. It may cause
many
health issues.
Secondly
,
parents
doesn't have time to take care of their children,
so
they addicted with
bad
habits. The
small
ones will not
get
enough
care from their
parents
due to the fact that
some
children doesn't know value of their
parents
.
In addition
,
parents
doesn't know how to handle them in
som
circumstances.
To conclude
, the mother
has to
stay with their child until the
first
birthday. In European countries, mother
allowed
to take
leave
for one year, this trend
need
to continue for other countries too. It is
very
beneficial for the young generation, for their initial development.
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IELTS essay In some countries it is common for women to participate in their workforce when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages of that

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
215 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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