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In some countries, it is common for women to participate in the workforce when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages? v.1

In some countries, it is common for women to participate in the workforce when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages? v. 1
The number of women is increasing to enter as workforce in all the fields. Nowadays it is common for all women to participate in the workforce. However, there are both pros and cons for working women. In this essay, I will discuss some of the advantages of women participate in the workforce and some of the challenges to be overcome. To begin by looking at the advantages of working women. One of the main positives of having working women in the family will increase the income of their family. In the present day situation in any family, both man and woman have to earn in order to meet their expenditures, savings for the future and to live a king size life. Secondly, parents can afford for their children's studies without any financial burdens. Let us take an example of my village where men only are working. As a result of this, they cannot afford for children to make study in schools where international standards are maintained. In addition to this, a working woman who handles a lot of issues in the work place can be able to handle any situation that occurs to disturb their family life. Turning to the other side of the argument, if a woman fails to look over their children's behaviour is a major problem. The mother is the first teacher of any child. If she fails to build the career of the child will have an adverse effect on the family and society too. Another issue is that work tensions may increase the gap between mother and child's relation. Due to the tensions in the office they most likely to take a rest instead of spending time with their children. All things considered, the working women have to balance their family and office to lead a happy life and to give the best to their children. Personally, I believe the benefits in terms of children's future outweigh any negative.
The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
is increasing to enter as workforce in all the fields. Nowadays it is common for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to participate in the workforce.
However
, there are both pros and cons for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. In this essay, I will discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
participate in the workforce and
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
challenges to
be overcome
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
by looking at the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. One of the main positives of having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
will increase the income of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. In the present day situation in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and woman
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
earn in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their expenditures, savings for the future and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
king size
life.

Secondly
, parents can afford for their children's studies without any financial burdens.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us take an example of my village where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
As a result
of this, they cannot afford for children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
study in schools where international standards
are maintained
.

In addition
to this, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
woman who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
handles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
issues in the work place can be able to handle any situation that occurs to disturb their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
life.

Turning to the other side of the argument, if a woman fails to look over their children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is a major problem. The mother is the
first
teacher of any child. If she fails to build the career of the child will have an adverse effect on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and society too.

Another issue is that work tensions may increase the gap between mother and child's relation. Due to the tensions in the office they most likely to take a rest
instead
of spending time with their children.

All things considered, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
balance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and office to lead a happy life and to give the best to their children.
Personally
, I believe the benefits in terms of children's future outweigh any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, it is common for women to participate in the workforce when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
324 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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