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In some countries, children under 16 are not allowed to leave school by law and get a full-time work. Is this a good or bad thing? v.1

In some countries, children under 16 are not allowed to leave school by law and get a full-time work. Is this a good or bad thing? v. 1
Some countries have enacted laws that do not permit children younger than 16 to stop schooling and get a full-time job. This is a good approach as it allows the children concentrate on their studies and prevent exploitation at work. Firstly, when young ones are not permitted to leave school to work full-time, they would be able to concentrate on their studies. This is because full-time jobs would prevent children from having the mental strength needed to assimilate what they are taught in school. Most children find it difficult to excel in academics when giving the chance to attend night school due to the stress from the full-time job. If these children were not allowed to enter into the labour force, they would be able to concentrate on their education. Furthermore, children who work full-time are usually exploited by their employers. This is because these children do not fully understand the details of their employment contract and as such, they may be paid less or made to perform for longer hours than the standard work hours. Similarly, they may not be able to enjoy other work incentives, which would be enjoyed by their older colleagues. This exploitation could be prevented if the younger ones are not allowed to stop their education in order to work full-time. In conclusion, laws that prevent young children under 16 to be employed full-time has been enacted in some countries. These enable the children to focus on their education and prevent them from being cheated. Therefore, this is a good approach and should be imbibed by other nations who are yet to enforce these laws.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
countries have enacted laws that do not permit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
younger than 16 to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
schooling and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a full-time job. This is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
approach as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
concentrate on their studies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevent
exploitation at work.

Firstly
, when young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are not permitted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
school to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full-time, they would be able to concentrate on their studies. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
full-time jobs would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from having the mental strength needed to assimilate what they
are taught
in school. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
find it difficult to excel in academics when giving the chance to attend night school due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from the full-time job. If these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to enter into the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force, they would be able to concentrate on their education.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full-time are
usually
exploited by their employers. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not
fully
understand the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of their employment contract and as such, they may
be paid
less or made to perform for longer hours than the standard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
hours.
Similarly
, they may not be able to enjoy other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
incentives, which would
be enjoyed
by their older colleagues. This exploitation could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
if the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
their education in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full-time.

In conclusion
, laws that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevent
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
under 16 to
be employed
full-time has
been enacted
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries. These enable the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to focus on their education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevent
them from
being cheated
.
Therefore
, this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
approach and should
be imbibed
by other nations who are
yet
to enforce these laws.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In some countries, children under 16 are not allowed to leave school by law and get a full-time work. Is this a good or bad thing? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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