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In some countries, children under 16 are not allowed to leave school by law and get full-time work. Is this a good or a bad thing? v.2

In some countries, children under 16 are not allowed to leave school by law and get full-time work. Is this a good or a bad thing? v. 2
Children, below the age of 16, are not permitted to work full time at the expense of school, as per laws in some countries. In my opinion, studying at school is more important for students under 16 as compared to engaging in a full-time job as personal development and a secured future is possible with studying at a young age. With regards to the development of efficient qualities in an individual, children especially under 16 years, should spend time at school rather than working full time. The reason for this is that school education will allow them to carve out their talent, so that they can choose a carrier based on personal interest. This ability to opt for interest-driven carrier is only possible with school education and not with the full-time job. Moreover, education at a young age will help children develop into an independent adult later. Furthermore, getting involved in a full-time work exposes students below 16 to exploitation. Children under 16, being naive, might be made to engage in hard manual labour. This is a serious issue which could impair a child’s future, and the government, taking measures and legal actions to prevent such exploitation of children is an essential step towards securing their future. Another reason for banning under 16 pupils from working full time is that, although the payment for the work may attract pupils initially but it will jeopardize their future when they have limited carrier options to choose from. To conclude, I believe that government should protect children, under 16, from full-time job and ensure their attendance at school.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
, below the age of 16, are not permitted to work full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at the expense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, as per laws in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries. In my opinion, studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for students under 16 as
Possible agreement error. The noun 'compared' seems to be countable, so consider using: "compares".
compared
to engaging in a full-time job as personal development and a secured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
is possible with studying at a young age.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the development of efficient qualities in an individual,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
especially
under 16 years, should spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
rather
than working full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
The reason for this is
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to carve out their talent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can choose a carrier based on personal interest. This ability to opt for interest-driven carrier is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possible with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education and not with the full-time job.
Moreover
, education at a young age will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
develop into an independent adult later.

Furthermore
, getting involved in a full-time work exposes students below 16 to exploitation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
under 16, being naive, might
be made
to engage in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
manual
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
. This is a serious issue which could impair a child’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
, and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, taking measures and legal actions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
such exploitation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is an essential step towards securing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. Another reason for banning under 16 pupils from working full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is that, although the payment for the work may attract pupils
initially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will jeopardize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
when they have limited carrier options to choose from.

To conclude
, I believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, under 16, from full-time job and ensure their attendance at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay In some countries, children under 16 are not allowed to leave school by law and get full-time work. Is this a good or a bad thing? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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