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in some countries, children are expected to study more time both in and after school. advantages and disadvantages of this trend v.1

in some countries, children are expected to study more time both in and after school. advantages and disadvantages of this trend v. 1
There is growing interest revolving around the fact that the proportion of people who is old will be higher than the percentage of young people in the future. Although there are unarguable benefits brought about by increasing the proportion of elderly, from my own perspective, the problems arising from it are more trouble. One evident merit is that with an extensive experience that elder people got, companies can save an amount of time when solving any problem. Naturally, the more difficult the problem is, the more experiences that it needs to be solved quickly. In addition that, the salary that companies have to pay for the older worker is much cheaper than younger one, so it also help to save an amount of money for companies to handle immediate difficulties. On the other hand, a higher ratio of elderly also reveals multiple disadvantages, the distinct of which is that the labour force is not abundant and energy. This in turn will result in low productivity, in the long run being delayed and possibly leading to bankruptcy. An additional drawback is that the money that the government have to pay to the retired workers each month is more than youngster’s salary, so it will effect to the economy of the rustic over time. Last but not least, because young people are quite slow so that the speed of updating new information is not as fast as possible, it can possibly lead to backwardness for both society and country. For example, there is a new phone which was invented 2 days ago, every country catches all up with it and import into the country, with the backwardness, that the new phone will be imported a few days later than other provincial. In conclusion, every problem has all two perspectives, but I personally think that there are more disadvantages when the bulk of older citizens are increasing steadily.
There is growing interest revolving around the fact that the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
will be higher than the percentage of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the future. Although there are unarguable benefits brought about by increasing the proportion of elderly, from my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
arising from it are more trouble.

One evident merit is that with an extensive experience that elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can save an amount of time when solving any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
Naturally
, the more difficult the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is, the more experiences that it needs to
be solved
quickly
. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
that, the salary that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay for the older worker is much cheaper than younger one,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
also
Did you mean "helps"?
help
to save an amount of money for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to handle immediate difficulties.

On the other hand
, a higher ratio of elderly
also
reveals multiple disadvantages,
The phrase 'the distinct of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the distinct of
which is that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force is not abundant and energy. This in turn will result in low productivity, in the long run
being delayed
and
possibly
leading to bankruptcy. An additional drawback is that the money that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay to the retired workers each month is more than youngster’s salary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it will
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
to the economy of the rustic over time. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are quite slow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the speed of updating new information is not as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
as possible, it can
possibly
lead to backwardness for both society and country.
For example
, there is a new phone which
was invented
2 days ago, every country catches all up with it and import into the country, with the backwardness, that the new phone will
be imported
a few days later than other provincial.

In conclusion
, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
has all two perspectives,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are more disadvantages when the bulk of older citizens are increasing
steadily
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay in some countries, children are expected to study more time both in and after school. advantages and disadvantages of this trend v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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