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In some countries, children are expected to study more and more time both in and after school. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend. v.2

In some countries, children are expected to study more and more time both in and after school. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend. v. 2
Currently, student must have a solid knowledge base. The demand for high score of students in learning is increasing. Their parents want they study more time, not only at school. In my opinion, learning in this way will cause some different aspects. Study both in or after school have some benefits. Firstly, it will help students achieve better results, the score will show you the effectiveness of additional learning. Also, it helps students improve hardiness, not laziness, they won’t neglect their studies. When studying like that, students will have good preparation when they go to study abroad. Although such learning has many positive points, it also has harmful effects. To begin with, it will make them haven’t much contact with people outside, communication skills will be poor. Studying too much make them lazy, not interested in sports, leading to obesity, poor eyes, and many other harms. Finally, if they spent too much time studying, it will have serious consequences, they can be depressed. In conclusion, I think the parents should not expect too much on their children, students must have a suitable timetable, can split time for studying, playing and hang out with their friends.
Currently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a solid knowledge base. The demand for high score of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
is increasing. Their parents want they study more time, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
at school. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
in this way will cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects.

Study both in or after school have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits.
Firstly
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
achieve better results, the score will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
you the effectiveness of additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
.
Also
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
hardiness, not laziness, they won’t neglect their studies. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
like that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
preparation when they go to study abroad.

Although such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
points, it
also
has harmful effects. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them haven’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
contact with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
outside, communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will be poor.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Studying
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them lazy, not interested in sports, leading to obesity, poor eyes, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other harms.
Finally
, if they spent too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
, it will have serious consequences, they can
be depressed
.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the parents should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
on their children,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a suitable timetable, can split time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
, playing and hang out with their friends.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, children are expected to study more and more time both in and after school. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
195 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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