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In some countries celebrities get higher salaries than senior politicians. What do you think reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v.1

In some countries celebrities get higher salaries than senior politicians. What do you think reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1
It is true that well recognized international stars make a fortune in comparison to some high-ranked politicians. I believe that thanks to advanced social media the popularity of celebrities increase at a rapid pace. On the one hand, global community always has been exceedingly curious about celebrity's life. Consequently, this trend is far beneficial in terms of attracting public's awareness to a particular aspect. Global corporations, for instance, offer a multi-million contracts to film stars for the commodity promotion. Moreover, in the era of high-speed internet celebrities are able to make money more quickly and contributing less time and energy. Additionally, almost every star possesses multiple source of income. For instance, an advertisement is considered to be the most essential incomes that enrich celebrities materialistic status. ‌On the other hand, in some Nations politicians are the most trusted individuals. Citizens have a deep respect and completely rely on the politicians wisdom in the global political arena. However, financially some of them are unsecured even though they have contributed a lot of energy and efforts for country's well-being. As a result, due to unstable social and financial situations, some politicians are involved in corruption. Consequently, society suffers from private interests along with ubiquitous political injustice. ‌ To sum up, there is a considerable fluctuation in monetary terms between top politicians and TV stars. I think that celebrities have more opportunities to make a fortune while some politicians are underpaid which might be cause of corruption.
It is true that well recognized international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a fortune
in comparison
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
high-ranked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
. I believe that thanks to advanced social media the popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
increase at a rapid pace.

On the one hand, global community always has been
exceedingly
curious about celebrity's life.
Consequently
, this trend is far beneficial in terms of attracting public's awareness to a particular aspect. Global corporations,
for instance
, offer a multi-million
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "contract"?
contracts
to film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
for the commodity promotion.
Moreover
, in the era of high-speed internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money more
quickly
and contributing less time and energy.
Additionally
, almost every star possesses multiple source of income.
For instance
, an advertisement
is considered
to be the most essential incomes that enrich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
materialistic status.

‌
On the other hand
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Nations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are the most trusted individuals. Citizens have a deep respect and completely rely on the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "politicians'" or "politician's"?
politicians
wisdom in the global political arena.
However
,
financially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
are unsecured
even though
they have contributed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
energy and efforts for country's well-being.
As a result
, due to unstable social and financial situations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are involved
in corruption.
Consequently
, society suffers from private interests along with ubiquitous political injustice.

‌ To sum up, there is a considerable fluctuation in monetary terms between top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
and TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
have more opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a fortune while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are underpaid which might
Did you mean "because"?
be cause
of corruption.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
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IELTS essay In some countries celebrities get higher salaries than senior politicians. What do you think reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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