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In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeeds or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success? v.1

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeeds or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success? v. 1
People have different views about the link between the concept of equality and individual accomplishment. In my opinion, both runs parallel as every individual gets a change to success in egalitarian societies irrespective of their gender or wealth, for instance. Societies who provide equal opportunities to its citizens such as, educational rights, will produce more achievers because, education is the base to achieve anything, and the place where people can get basic as well as higher studies free of cost will have higher chances to accomplish their goals. In a contrary, in a non egalitarian society rich people can only get higher education, therefore the probability of success proportional to the overall population reduces. For example, in America where every individual has a right to get qualified have more successful population. The relationship between the equal rights and achievement can also be explained by an example of a society with gender equality. A society which gives equal opportunities to all of its people irrespective of their gender will have a higher success ratio as compared to the societies who discriminate between them. Moreover, the number of people participating is proportional to the number of achievers so in societies providing equal chances for everyone results in more chances of victory. In conclusion, both personal achievement and similar rights are directly proportional and the societies which offer the formal have higher successful population.
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People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about the link between the concept of equality and individual accomplishment. In my opinion, both runs parallel as every individual
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gets
a
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change
to success in egalitarian
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societies
irrespective of their gender or wealth,
for instance
.

Societies who provide
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equal
opportunities to its citizens such as, educational
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rights
, will produce more achievers
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because
, education is the base to achieve anything, and the place where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
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get
basic
as well
as higher studies free of cost will have higher chances to accomplish their goals. In a contrary, in a
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non egalitarian
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society
rich
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people
can
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only
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get
higher education,
therefore
the probability of success proportional to the
overall
population
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reduces
.
For example
, in America where every individual has a
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right
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
qualified have more successful population.

The relationship between the
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equal
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rights
and achievement can
also
be
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explained
by an example of a
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society
with gender equality. A
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society
which gives
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equal
opportunities to all of its
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people
irrespective of their gender will have a higher success ratio as compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
who discriminate between them.
Moreover
, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
participating is proportional to the number of achievers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in
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societies
providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
chances for everyone results in more chances of victory.

In conclusion
, both personal achievement and similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
are
directly
proportional and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
which offer the formal have higher successful population.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
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IELTS essay In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeeds or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
231 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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