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In recent years, the number of visitors of art galleries are decreasing steadily. What are the reasons for this trend? What can be done to improve the number of visitors. v.1

In recent years, the number of visitors of art galleries are decreasing steadily. What are the reasons for this trend? What can be done to improve the number of visitors. v. 1
Some companies, as self-publicity, are sponsoring sports. According to some, this is a better way, while some disagree. The people who agree think it will enhance a company's sales. However, I believe, to sponsor sports by the companies for self-publicity has more disadvantages than benefits, because it may cause harm to the people. On the one hand, some say, advertising is a vital part of modern business and to adopt sports for that is not harmful. Companies need to tell customers about their products, and by using games and players, they can boost their sales. Consequently, they can generate significant revenue and become famous, which in return good for the company and country both. For Instance, a survey reported, the sale of the Adidas brand shoes surge over 60 % after getting endorsed by a fast bowler Shoaib Akhter in Pakistan. On the other hand, I believe companies should not use sports to publicize themselves because they can persuade ordinary people to buy company products, which sometimes can be harmful to them. Companies use glamorous and successful sports personnel to endorse their products; thereby, innocent people get provoked because they love them. For example, people love Cricket in India; therefore, when people see; famous cricketer like Mahendra Singh Dhoni is drinking a particular beverage, people think its something great; consequently, they may follow. Also, when any other cricketer is advertising the Rolex watch, which is a costly brand, people try to buy it, which can lead them to unnecessary expenditure. As a result, that's harmful to their health and pocket equally. To sum up, I believe, to use sports as a personal benefit will be harmful to the people by and large because many people are crazy about games and players. As a result, they may put themselves in excessive debt and their life at risk too.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, as self-publicity, are sponsoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, this is a better way, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagree. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it will enhance a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's sales.
However
, I believe, to sponsor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
for self-publicity has more disadvantages than benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it may cause harm to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
say, advertising is a vital part of modern business and to adopt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
for
that is
not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
harmful
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
customers about their products, and by using games and players, they can boost their sales.
Consequently
, they can generate significant revenue and become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
, which in return
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
and country both.
For Instance
, a survey reported, the sale of the Adidas brand shoes surge over 60 % after getting endorsed by a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
bowler
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shoaib
Possible spelling mistake found.
Akhter
in Pakistan.

On the other hand
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
to publicize themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can persuade ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
products, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
harmful
to them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
glamorous and successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
personnel to endorse their products; thereby, innocent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
provoked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
them.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
Cricket in India;
therefore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
cricketer like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mahendra
Singh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dhoni
is drinking a particular beverage,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
its something great;
consequently
, they may follow.
Also
, when any other cricketer is advertising the Rolex
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
, which is a costly brand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it, which can lead them to unnecessary expenditure.
As a result
, that's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
harmful
to their health and pocket
equally
.

To sum up, I believe, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as a personal benefit will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
harmful
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by and large
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are crazy about games and players.
As a result
, they may put themselves in excessive debt and their life at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
too.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay In recent years, the number of visitors of art galleries are decreasing steadily. What are the reasons for this trend? What can be done to improve the number of visitors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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