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In order to teach young people about good nutrition and health, your school is planning to require students to take cooking classes in addition to other subjects. Do you think this requirement is a good idea? Why or why not? v.1

In order to teach young people about good nutrition and health, your school is planning to require students to take cooking classes in addition to other subjects. Do you think this requirement is a good idea? Why or why not? v. 1
In recent years, urban citizens tend to live on their own or in small units rather than in extended family households. In my personal experience, although this trend probably has some drawbacks, it is mostly positive. On the one side, the negative effect of this lifestyle is that it is possibly challenging for people to find someone to share problems and confide. It leads to over-using of TV, the Internet causes serious damage to an individual’s mental health. In the long period, people tend to have a feeling of isolation from society which is the main reason of depression or even suicide. This can be seen from the Japanese case where more and more people in this country choose to stay alone and separate from relatives that make Japan one of the highest suicide rate countries in the world. On the other side, the major merit of this new living pattern is that it offers more personal time and space for individuals. Living independently allows people to have more freedom in planning events without being irritated by their senior relatives. For example, a lot college student these days are choosing to live away from their family as they can do as they please after school without having to face constant judgments or criticism from their family. Furthermore, people in nuclear families often experience less conflict, which are more likely to happen in large family units. Living in small family units creates more opportunities for family members to interact and bond with each other. On the contrast, due to the fact that different people have dissimilar personalities and preferences, relatives who share the same roof could easily oppose each other and develop mutual hatred. In conclusion, despite of having some disadvantages, this trend is generally a positive one not only because it offers more personal space and time for individuals but also reduces conflicts between family members
In recent years, urban citizens tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
or in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
units
rather
than in extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
households. In my personal experience, although this trend
probably
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, it is
mostly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.

On the one side, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect of this lifestyle is that it is
possibly
challenging for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to find someone to share problems and confide. It leads to over-using of TV, the Internet causes serious damage to an individual’s mental health. In the long period,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to have a feeling of isolation from society which is the main reason of depression or even suicide. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the Japanese case where more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in this country choose to stay alone and separate from relatives that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
Japan one of the highest suicide rate countries in the world.

On the other side, the major merit of this new living pattern is that it offers more personal time and space for individuals. Living
independently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have more freedom in planning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
without
being irritated
by their senior relatives.
For example
,
If you mean a great quantity, use "a lot of college"?
a lot college
student these days are choosing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
away from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as they can do as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
after school without having to face constant judgments or criticism from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
experience less conflict, which are more likely to happen in large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
units. Living in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
units creates more opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members to interact and bond with each other. On the contrast, due to the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have dissimilar personalities and preferences, relatives who share the same roof could
easily
oppose each other and develop mutual hatred.

In conclusion
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages, this trend is
generally
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
one not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it offers more personal space and time for individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
conflicts between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In order to teach young people about good nutrition and health, your school is planning to require students to take cooking classes in addition to other subjects. Do you think this requirement is a good idea? Why or why not? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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