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In most successful organisations some people believe that communications between managers and workers are important other people said that other factors are more important Discuss both sides and give your opinion v.1

In most successful organisations some people believe that communications between managers and workers are important other people said that other factors are more important 1
In this tech-driven world, most of the people prefer to stay at home and show reluctance to go out and spend time. There is a plethora of reasons for this trend, including the influence of social and mass media. In this essay I intend to discuss some of the reasons for this trend, and reach a conclusion that such changes have got detrimental effects on the individual, with substantial evidences. Even though, there are surplus causes that make people to remain indoors, the first and predominant reason for this tendency is the advancement in social media. To be clearer, nowadays it is easy and convenient to create and maintain relationships online through various applications available. Whereas in olden days people used to have face to face conversations by meeting outdoors. Moreover, different organizations provide opportunities for their employees to work from home, using the channels of telecommunications. For instance, individuals highly rely on social media such as WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter for both formal and informal communication. On the other hand, the caged-life have deleterious effects on persons, especially it affects the psychology. To be precise, a man is a gregarious animal and living alone in the four walls will lead him to fall into depression and other psychological conditions. Furthermore, for the physical and psychological well-being, each human needs exposure to the outer world which boost their energy and immune system. To cite an example, an article published in one of the famous journals reveals that many people are suffering from depression as a result of their isolated life. To summarize, various reasons like improvement of social media stapled man to indoors, which in turn resulted in many psychological ill effects like depression and isolation. Thus, according to my perspective, people's tendency to live in the small environment of their possessions is a negative development.
In this tech-driven world, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to stay at home and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
reluctance to go out and spend time. There is a plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for this trend, including the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. In this essay I intend to discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for this trend, and reach a conclusion that such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
detrimental effects on the individual, with substantial evidences.

Even though
, there are surplus causes that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to remain indoors, the
first
and predominant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for this tendency is the advancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. To be clearer, nowadays it is easy and convenient to create and maintain relationships online through various applications available.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
in olden days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have face to face conversations by meeting outdoors.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
organizations provide opportunities for their employees to work from home, using the channels of telecommunications.
For instance
, individuals
highly
rely on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
such as WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter for both formal and informal communication.

On the other hand
, the caged-life have deleterious effects on persons,
especially
it affects the psychology. To be precise, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
is a gregarious animal and living alone in the four walls will lead him to fall into depression and other psychological conditions.
Furthermore
, for the physical and psychological well-being, each human needs exposure to the outer world which boost their energy and immune system. To cite an example, an article published in one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
journals reveals that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from depression
as a result
of their isolated life.

To summarize
, various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
like improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
stapled
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
to indoors, which in turn resulted in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
psychological ill effects like depression and isolation.
Thus
, according to my perspective,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
environment of their possessions is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In most successful organisations some people believe that communications between managers and workers are important other people said that other factors are more important 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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