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In most countries the majority of crimes are committed by young men under the age of 30. Why is this so, and what can be done to reduce the problem? v.1

In most countries the majority of crimes are committed by young men under the age of 30. Why is this so, and what can be done to reduce the problem? v. 1
When we look at the figures about criminality, we see that most of the crimes are committed by young men under the age of 30. This is a problem of all ages, although the reasons for this could be slightly different than in earlier times. One of the reasons could be that young men tend to start a family later than they used to. Getting married and getting children is being done at a later age nowadays. One of the causes can be the problem of housing. It might become easier to start a family when it will be more easy to find a proper house when you are a young adult. The second reason for the high crime rate amongst young men could be the accessibility of hard drugs. Although hard drugs are not legalized it is easy to get it and this makes it tempting for youngsters. It might help young men avoid drugs when the changes to get caught will be higher and the punishment will be harder, so maybe the police need to focus on this more. Finally, there is the issue of higher unemployment rates among adolescents. Not having a job can make life seem hopeless or meaningless, which subsequently can lead to thoughtless acts or criminalization. When it will become easier for employers to hire young people, maybe by some subsidies, it could bring the high unemployment figures down. To summarize, crime rates among young adult men are high and although the reasons for this are numerous, some measurements can be taken tomorrow to bring these numbers down. Make it easier to rent or buy a house, let police focus on drug abuse among youngsters and make legislation to make it easier for companies to hire young men.
When we look at the figures about criminality, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that most of the crimes
are committed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
under the age of 30. This is a problem of all ages, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for this could be
slightly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Did you mean 'different "from"? 'Different than' is often considered colloquial style.
than
in earlier times.

One of the
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reasons
could be that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a family later than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to. Getting married and getting children is
being done
at a later age nowadays. One of the causes can be the problem of housing. It might become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easier
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a family when it will be more easy to find a proper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
when you are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult.

The second
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reason
for the high crime rate amongst
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
could be the accessibility of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
. Although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
are not legalized it is easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it and this
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makes
it tempting for youngsters. It might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
when the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
caught will be higher and the punishment will be harder,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
maybe the police need to focus on this more.

Finally
, there is the issue of higher unemployment rates
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
adolescents. Not having a job can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
life seem hopeless or meaningless, which
subsequently
can lead to thoughtless acts or criminalization. When it will become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easier
for employers to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, maybe by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
subsidies, it could bring the high unemployment figures down.

To summarize
, crime rates
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
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young
adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are high and although the
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reasons
for this are numerous,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measurements can
be taken
tomorrow to bring these numbers down.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Make
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easier
to rent or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
police focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
abuse
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
youngsters and
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make
legislation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easier
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
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IELTS essay In most countries the majority of crimes are committed by young men under the age of 30. Why is this so, and what can be done to reduce the problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
294 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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