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in modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals for food or use animal products, for instance, clothing and medicines. to what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

in modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals for food or use animal products, for instance, clothing and medicines. v. 1
Nowadays, many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might this be the case. What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed. These days an overwhelming majority of people choose to run their own job rather than being employed by other employment. I am of the opinion that strong desire to be wealthy and also regular field seminars encourage people to start their own trade. However, they may face some difficulties in the future. They're some prominent reasons why people choose to run their own task. Firstly, in many modern societies entrepreneurship is greatly encouraged by a large number of employment seminars and workshops advertisements. These seminars and workshops not only provide individuals with any information which they need to set up their own field, but also people are being told that they have no limit and can easily become as wealthy as a Steve Jobs is. Moreover, individuals, particularly those who are willing to be a field person and live in luxury are convinced that start their own effort. On the other hand, there are some drawbacks associated with self-employment. The first issue that self-employed may face is the necessity of being a jack of all trades specially if the company is very small and they have not enough money. They have to be an accountant, human resource manager and so forth at the same time. It is because they are not able to hire other people to do these tasks. Furthermore, they had to pay taxes and provide their employees with decent working condition. Moreover, due to the fact that companies these days are facing fierce competition, many of them are not able to pay their own bills and debt and go bankrupt. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that being your own master has many downsides and that is why many people decide to industry for other companies or trade.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to be self-employed,
rather
than to work for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
or organization.

Why might this be the case.

What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed.

These days an overwhelming majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
job
rather
than
being employed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
employment. I am of the opinion that strong desire to be wealthy and
also
regular field seminars encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
trade.
However
, they may face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties in the future.

They're
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
prominent reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
task.
Firstly
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
modern
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "societies'" or "society's"?
societies
entrepreneurship is
greatly
encouraged by
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
employment seminars and workshops advertisements. These seminars and workshops not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provide individuals with any information which they need to set up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
field,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
that they have no limit and can
easily
become as wealthy as a Steve Jobs is.
Moreover
, individuals,
particularly
those who are willing to be a field person and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in luxury
are convinced
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
effort.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks associated with self-employment. The
first
issue that self-employed may face is the necessity of being a jack of all trades
specially
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
small and
they have not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be an accountant, human resource manager and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth at the same time. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not able to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do these tasks.
Furthermore
, they had to pay taxes and provide their employees with decent working condition.
Moreover
, due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
these days are facing fierce competition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them are not able to pay their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
bills and debt and go bankrupt.

In conclusion
, I am of the opinion that being your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
master has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
downsides and
that is
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide to industry for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
or trade.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay in modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals for food or use animal products, for instance, clothing and medicines. v. 1

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
322 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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