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In many places, people’s lifestyle is changing rapidly and this affects family relationships. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

In many places, people’s lifestyle is changing rapidly and this affects family relationships. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Changes are required in human beings in this modern era. But in some places, briskly modification in people's lifestyles is cause to affect on the family relationship. There are more positive consequences with some demerits. My argue is explained in the upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, nowadays money is the very next exigency for human beings to live their lives smoothly, that is the reason for all family members are doing a job or any economic activity and it is very useful for paying family expenses. Moreover, the success of one family member will encourage others to change their way of living. In order to catch up with the young, the older will also have to be active in their social experience, changing in lifestyle is beneficial to all family members. Furthermore, the connection between family members is very easy because of technological progress. For illustration, one of the family members is studying in an overseas country could not difficult to share or transfer photos about anywhere they travel via social networks with their family. On the other hand, there are various side-effects on the family when people chase after a new lifestyle. One reason for this view is that people would be more depended on technology. For example, youngers generally tend to search for information on the internet rather than from parents or grandparents. Another reason is that parents busy with their work, and they spend more time in their job or work so that they do not have enough time to dine together with their family members. To sum up, changing people's lifestyles is a cause for changing the family's lifestyle. I believe that this development has its own merits.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Changes
are required
in human beings in this modern era.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
places,
briskly
modification in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
is cause to
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationship. There are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "with". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits. My argue is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in the upcoming paragraphs.

On the one hand, nowadays money is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
next
exigency for human beings to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
smoothly
,
that is
the reason for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
are doing a job or any economic activity and it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful for paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
expenses.
Moreover
, the success of one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
will encourage others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their way of living. In order to catch up with the young, the older will
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be active in their social experience, changing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
is beneficial to all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of technological progress. For illustration, one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
is studying in an overseas country could not difficult to share or transfer photos about anywhere they travel via social networks with their family.

On the other hand
, there are various
Did you mean "side effects" (=adverse effect, unintended consequence)? Open compounds are not hyphenated.
side-effects
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
chase after a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
. One reason for this view is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would be more depended on technology.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
youngers
generally
tend to search for information on the internet
rather
than from parents or grandparents. Another reason is that parents busy with their work, and they spend more time in their job or work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to dine together with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.

To sum up, changing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
is a cause for changing the family's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
. I believe that this development has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
merits.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In many places, people’s lifestyle is changing rapidly and this affects family relationships. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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