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In many parts of world, children are given more freedom than in the past. Is this a positive or negative development v.2

In many parts of world, children are given more freedom than in the past. Is this a positive or negative development v. 2
The world has been changing rapidly with rules, which has affected in all areas of life. One of them is the place of teens in society. Nowadays, children feel rather freedom than their ancestors used to have. I believe that this situation is largely a positive development. To begin with, in some places of world, children behave as freedom than their parents could not have at the past times. Because today’s children grow up with technology, which gives them advantages to know, and discover world. As an illustration, child can be interested in some ideas or wondered a country. By the help of the internet, he looks for this information on YouTube or Google. What is more, he makes a friend from the other side of the world, and shares his ideas with him. On the other hand, the more children behave as a free, the more it might be detrimental for them. To illustrate, teens sometimes do not understand some political issues, and continuously criticize them. That is, they chase some mistakes irrespective of results. These mistakes might be drug, alcohol habit too. Therefore, parents have to protect their children against them. Mothers and Fathers should, in addition, not treat, and restrict their children as they were treated before. As a result, Too much independence can end with bad results. For these reasons, independence must be in small steps. In conclusion, I think that freedom is a quite common thing at the present time, and is part and parcel of life now apart from past. This is because huge opportunities are presented by technology, and parents already have learned how to behave them.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
has been changing
rapidly
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
in all areas of life. One of them is the place of teens in society. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
feel
rather
freedom than their ancestors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have. I believe that this situation is
largely
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
places of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
behave as freedom than their parents could not have at the past times.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
grow up with technology, which gives them advantages to know, and discover
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. As an illustration, child can
be interested
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
or wondered a country. By the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the internet, he looks for this information on YouTube or Google.
What is more
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a friend from the other side of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, and shares his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
with him.

On the other hand
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
behave as a free, the more it might be detrimental for them. To illustrate, teens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
do not understand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
political issues, and
continuously
criticize them.
That is
, they chase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mistakes irrespective of results. These mistakes might be
Consider using a past participle here: "drugged".
drug
, alcohol habit too.
Therefore
, parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
protect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
against them. Mothers and Fathers should,
in addition
, not treat, and restrict their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they
were treated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
As a result
, Too much independence can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
results. For these reasons, independence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
steps.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that freedom is a quite common thing at the present time, and is part and parcel of life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
apart from past. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
huge opportunities
are presented
by technology, and parents already have learned how to behave them.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay In many parts of world, children are given more freedom than in the past. Is this a positive or negative development v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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