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In many countries, young people are finding it harder and harder to find permanent jobs. Why is this? What can be done to improve the situation? v.1

In many countries, young people are finding it harder and harder to find permanent jobs. Why is this? What can be done to improve the situation? v. 1
Nowadays, thanks to the innovation of science and technology, tasks that humans used to do were replaced by computers and robots. While this event reduced the labour costs that business owners have to pay, consequently, it also causes laborers to lose their job and reduces the number of jobs. Hence, it is more and more difficult for the youth to find jobs because everything is becoming more sophisticated, challenging, and demands humans to abandon the dated manual laboring jobs and move to knowledge working jobs. Firstly, advancements in science and technology replaced physical labour jobs. Less and less human is involving in those jobs because of that. For instance, in order to make an artificial lake in the past, a project manager had demanded hundreds of labourers. Today, they only need some excavators and humans to control those machines. Secondly, the world of humans and society is becoming more complicated and diversified. As a result, more proficient people will have highly-paid jobs and the remainder will be on unemployment. There are countless methods to save people from unemployment, I will talk about the prominent ones only. Lacking education is one of the main reasons why some people hard to find a job. They usually come from poor families and can’t afford to pay tuition. Therefore, many education institutions implemented scholarships, which is a high-rewarding method, and formed many opportunities for many excellent people. In conclusion, the main cause of the rise in unemployment is the replacement of machines and robots, which do labour work, and the increase in complicateness and variety in humans and society. There are various methods to solve this problem, but humans still need to put more effort in order to catch up with the high-developing society.
Nowadays, thanks to the innovation of science and technology, tasks that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do
were replaced
by computers and robots. While this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
costs that business owners
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay,
consequently
, it
also
causes laborers to lose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Hence
, it is more and more difficult for the youth to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everything is becoming more sophisticated, challenging, and demands
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
to abandon the dated manual laboring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to knowledge working jobs.

Firstly
, advancements in science and technology replaced physical
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. Less and less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
The verb 'involving' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is involving
in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that.
For instance
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an artificial lake in the past, a project manager had demanded hundreds of
Possible spelling mistake found.
labourers
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
excavators and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
to control those machines.
Secondly
, the world of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
and society is becoming more complicated and diversified.
As a result
, more proficient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will have
highly
-paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and the remainder will be on unemployment.

There are countless methods to save
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from unemployment, I will talk about the prominent ones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. Lacking education is one of the main reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. They
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from poor families and can’t afford to pay tuition.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
education institutions implemented scholarships, which is a high-rewarding method, and formed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
excellent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, the main cause of the rise in unemployment is the replacement of machines and robots, which do
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
work, and the increase in
Possible spelling mistake found.
complicateness
and variety in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
and society. There are various methods to solve this problem,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
still
need to put more effort in order to catch up with the high-developing society.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, young people are finding it harder and harder to find permanent jobs. Why is this? What can be done to improve the situation? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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