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In many countries, women are allowed to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first months after the birth of their babies. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

In many countries, women are allowed to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first months after the birth of their babies. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
In recent years, maternity leave has gradually been considered as a righteous measure for the welfare of female employees. Some people believe that this action is beneficial for babies and their mothers. In this essay, some reasons why the advantages outweigh the disadvantages will be highlighted. Firstly, vacation for the ladies who will give birth can make the company have a lack of resources, especially for all them with occupation related to real-time service and have a large contribution to the organization. Moreover, it can make the association in the dangerous position, primarily when several women take maternity leave. For instance, in a multi-national company in Jakarta, Indonesia, five women take a vacation in a moment, and all of them have the same position. Therefore, this condition makes the corporate not productive and the group has deficits labour to execute some of the jobs. On the other hand, we cannot only rely on the business aspect. Additionally, as a human we must also consider with the human right aspects. When ladies temporary out of their job for give birth, the must also recover themselves and must take care with their baby's health condition. Furthermore, they also must take care their children in the beginning era as a mother because this period is essential to have intense relationships with babies and this can make the new mothers happy and easily focus the their work. To illustrate, I have a friend who takes job vacation for a month, after she is coming back after bringing forth process, she feels happy and fully concentrate to finish all of the job. Accordingly, give birth furlough is crucial for new mothers. In conclusion, despite of some deprivation of corporation with his employee take liberty for maternity. However, as a human we cannot only rely on the business aspects, we also must consider human right aspects because as a new mother, ladies have several essential processes other than bring forth. Hence, the vantage of taking off day to bring forth outweigh the disadvantages.
In recent years, maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
has
gradually
been considered
as a righteous measure for the welfare of female employees.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that this action is beneficial for babies and their mothers. In this essay,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why the advantages outweigh the disadvantages will
be highlighted
.

Firstly
, vacation for the ladies who will give birth can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
have a lack of resources,
especially
for all them with occupation related to real-time service and have a large contribution to the organization.
Moreover
, it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the association in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
position,
primarily
when several women take maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
.
For instance
, in a multi-national
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in Jakarta, Indonesia, five women take a vacation in a moment, and all of them have the same position.
Therefore
, this condition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the corporate not productive and the group has deficits
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
to execute
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
jobs.

On the other hand
, we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
rely on the business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aspect
.
Additionally
, as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
consider with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aspects
. When ladies temporary out of their job for give birth,
Did you mean "they", "that" or "there"?
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
recover themselves and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take care with their baby's health condition.
Furthermore
, they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take care their children in the beginning era as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this period is essential to have intense relationships with babies and this can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the new mothers happy and
easily
focus
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "their work" or "the work"?
the their work
. To illustrate, I have a friend who takes job vacation for a month, after she is coming back after bringing forth process, she feels happy and
fully
concentrate to finish
Consider using "all the".
all of the
job.
Accordingly
, give birth furlough is crucial for new mothers.

In conclusion
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
deprivation of corporation with his employee take liberty for maternity.
However
, as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
rely on the business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aspects
, we
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aspects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
as a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
, ladies have several essential processes other than bring forth.
Hence
, the vantage of taking off day to bring forth outweigh the disadvantages.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, women are allowed to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first months after the birth of their babies. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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