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In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? v.1

In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? v. 1
It is believed that, nowadays, while children prefer watching television to reading a book as a way of learning, the book plays an irreplaceable role in offering children a much better education. Given the amount of knowledge television can transmit to a child and its alluring presentation, I completely disagree with this statement. Firstly, not only can television entertain children with hilarious cartoons, it has plenty of educational programmes. For example, many channels such as Discovery Channel and National Geographic can both trigger their curiosity and enhance their understanding about the surrounding world. Therefore, by spending plenty of time watching TV, children can equip themselves with basic knowledge for their education when they grow up. In contrast, books, with their limited availability within children’s reach, fail to display such a wide range of insight if adults do not store a large number of books at home. Secondly, watching TV is more exhilarating than reading a book. TV programmes are well-edited with thrilling footage and captivating sound, whereas books are full of words and tedious. Sometimes they are hard to follow for young children because of a lot of terms they cannot understand without their parents’ assistance. For instance, according to a survey with students at a primary school in London, 80% of the respondents said that they preferred to learn more through television for reasons mentioned above. Therefore, television is obviously a useful learning tool for children early in their age to self-study without getting bored. In conclusion, although some may express their concern about the inability of watching television to well educate a child compared to reading books, I strongly believe that television is a more informative and enjoyable tool for children to learn things on their own from a young age than books. Furthermore, hello.
It
is believed
that, nowadays, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
prefer watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
to reading a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
as a way of learning, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
plays an irreplaceable role in offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a much better education.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
the amount of knowledge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
can transmit to a child and its alluring presentation, I completely disagree with this statement.

Firstly
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
entertain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with hilarious cartoons, it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of educational
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
channels such as Discovery Channel and National Geographic can both trigger their curiosity and enhance their understanding about the surrounding world.
Therefore
, by spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of time watching TV,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can equip themselves with basic knowledge for their education when they grow up.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, with their limited availability within
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
reach, fail to display such a wide range of insight if adults do not store
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
at home.

Secondly
, watching TV is more exhilarating than reading a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
. TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
are well-edited with thrilling footage and captivating sound, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
are full of words and tedious.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to follow for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
terms they cannot understand without their parents’ assistance.
For instance
, according to a survey with students at a primary school in London, 80% of the respondents said that they preferred to learn more through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
for reasons mentioned above.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is
obviously
a useful learning tool for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
early in their age to self-study without getting bored.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may express their concern about the inability of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
to well educate a child compared to reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is a more informative and enjoyable tool for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn things on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
from a young age than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
.
Furthermore
, hello.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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