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In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? v.17

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? v. 17
Nowadays, the offence rate is being continuously soaring throughout the world, there are many factors contributing to this situation. Some of the factors may include money and power. In the following essay we will discuss about the situation briefly. Firstly, the most obvious problem would be the money. Furthermore, it shows disparities among the rights of the people living in the same country. For instance, people who are highly prosperous valued most in the society and own the rights of special privileges. Hence, it provokes the poor and lead them to fight for their rights and opportunities. Secondly, power plays a vital role is maintaining peace. Moreover, it influences the living standards of the people around the society. For example, wealthier people are appointed as a higher authority in certain conditions, instead of treating all of them as equal, sometimes they tend to help rich people for their personal benefits. Lastly, our ultimate aim in life should be focussing on the peace and spiritual enlightenment rather than gaining more money and storing it for our successors. All must admit the fact that all of our wealth and power becomes useless when we die, the only thing that comes together would be the love and compassion that we show to other people, and that will make ourselves to remain forever in peoples hearts. In conclusion, to mitigate crime rates, opportunities must be given to everyone, in order to gain prosperity and wealth. In addition, to that the political parties and governments must remain neutral. However, these implications would become successful if all the individuals of the country or society work together and treat everyone as the same beyond the colour, race and origin.
Nowadays, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
rate is being
continuously
soaring throughout the world, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors contributing to this situation.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
factors may include money and power. In the following essay we will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
situation
briefly
.

Firstly
, the most obvious problem would be the money.
Furthermore
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
disparities among the rights of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in the same country.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are
highly
prosperous valued most in the society and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
the rights of special privileges.
Hence
, it provokes the poor and lead them to fight for their rights and opportunities.

Secondly
, power plays a vital role is maintaining peace.
Moreover
, it influences the living standards of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the society.

For example
, wealthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are appointed
as a higher authority in certain conditions,
instead
of treating all of them as equal,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for their personal benefits.

Lastly
, our ultimate aim in life should be focussing on the peace and spiritual enlightenment
rather
than gaining more money and storing it for our successors. All
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
admit the fact that all of our wealth and power becomes useless when we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
together would be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and compassion that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ourselves to remain forever in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
hearts.

In conclusion
, to mitigate crime rates, opportunities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to everyone, in order to gain prosperity and wealth.
In addition
, to that the political parties and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
remain neutral.
However
, these implications would become successful if all the individuals of the country or society work together and treat everyone as the same beyond the
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
, race and origin.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? v. 17

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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