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In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? v.16

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? v. 16
Nowadays there is a huge amount of offences which are happening all over the world, such as arsons, burglaries, frauds, vandalism, kidnapping and so on. In this essay, I am going to consider the reasons And how we can decide them to stop cruelty on our planet. First of all, I believe that committing crimes depends on the social situation in each country, their development and income of citizens. Namely because of not enough money person can go on different crimes just because he wants to exist, to eat. Furthermore, there are lots of white-collar crimes such as hacking and blackmailing due to big globalization in different companies, where everyone wants to get databases from each of them. So, for this reason, companies spend a big part of their income to prevent such situations and to save their business. In addition, there are lot's of kidnapping, such the problem grows up every day, there are many reasons why a person is ready to do it. In most cases, it can be met when people are divorced, so one parent wants to abducting the child from another parent. In those cases to prevent such situations, the decisions of these problems should be gone out from government restrictions and politics. Firstly, the government should control all spheres of people's lives. They need to pass different laws to stop doing such things and to increase imposing fines on the citizens, also even to increase imprisonment time. What is more, for some crimes may be returning to capital punishments. Secondly, there should be community services for some petty crimes too, such as traffic offences. In the result, after committing the crime person must fully understand his mistake and try not to repeat it. To my mind, if there were more punishments, people would think before doing something prohibited.
Nowadays there is a huge amount of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
which are happening all over the world, such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
arsons
, burglaries, frauds, vandalism, kidnapping and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. In this essay, I am going to consider the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
reasons


And how we can decide them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
cruelty on our planet.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I believe that committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
depends on the social situation in each country, their development and income of citizens.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Namely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money person can go on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he wants to exist, to eat.
Furthermore
, there are lots of white-collar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
such as hacking and blackmailing due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
globalization in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, where everyone wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
databases from each of them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
for this reason
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
spend a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
part of their income to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
such situations and to save their business.
In addition
, there are
Did you mean "lots"?
lot's
of kidnapping, such the problem grows up every day, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why a person is ready to do it.
In most cases
, it can
be met
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are divorced
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
one parent wants to
Did you mean "abduct"?
abducting
the child from another parent.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
those cases to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
such situations, the decisions of these problems should
be gone
out from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
restrictions and politics.
Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should control all spheres of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. They need to pass
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
laws to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
doing such things and to increase imposing fines on the citizens,
also
even to increase imprisonment time.
What is more
, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
may be returning to capital punishments.
Secondly
, there should be community services for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
petty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
too, such as traffic
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
. In the result, after committing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
fully
understand his mistake and try not to repeat it. To my mind, if there were more punishments,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
doing something prohibited.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? v. 16

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
304 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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