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In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do think are the main causes of crime? how can we deal with those causes? v.12

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do think are the main causes of crime? how can we deal with those causes? v. 12
Crime is an old phenomenon and now no one knows exactly when it started. The sad fact is that its spiking gradually like murder, rape, money laundering and etc. In this essay, I will examine some factors contributing to this problem as well as some suggestion for the same. Firstly, one of the main causes is the imbalance distribution of wealth, rich people become richer day by day and the poor get worse, one good illustration, is that people who are in dire need are bound to steal, furthermore, the system of our society is designed in a way it tends to benefit only wealthy people which certainly lead to chaos. Secondly, Illegal activities like drug also contributing to increase in the crime rate, for instance, recent news report in countries like Afghanistan and Mexico, alone drug cartel have contributed significantly in enhancing violence level, although, there are restrictions on drugs business, but somehow criminals still manage to supply the drugs due to lack of interest of authorities to curb. However, ample solutions are available, the Government of the country should arrange proper wealth management, create employment opportunities for their people as well as create awareness against Drug abuse, deploy strict rules and regulations at the ports or borders to curb drug traffickers. After having discussed the most pertinent points of this issue, I feel that even though crime is a growing global problem, mainly caused by the lack of basic necessities and unlawful activities, various methods such as creating new jobs and taking severe actions are available which can prevent this from worsening.
Crime is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
phenomenon and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
no one knows exactly when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
. The sad fact is that
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
spiking
gradually
like murder, rape, money laundering
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
. In this essay, I will examine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors contributing to this problem
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
suggestion for the same.

Firstly
, one of the main causes is the imbalance distribution of wealth, rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become richer day by day and the poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
worse, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration, is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are in dire need
are bound
to steal,
furthermore
, the system of our society
is designed
in a way it tends to benefit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
which
certainly
lead to chaos.

Secondly
, Illegal activities like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
also
contributing to increase in the crime rate,
for instance
, recent news report in countries like Afghanistan and Mexico, alone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
cartel have contributed
significantly
in enhancing violence level, although, there are restrictions on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
business,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
somehow criminals
still
manage to supply the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
due to lack of interest of authorities to curb.

However
, ample solutions are available, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
of the country should arrange proper wealth management, create employment opportunities for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as well
as create awareness against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Drug
abuse, deploy strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations at the ports or borders to curb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
traffickers.

After having discussed the most pertinent points of this issue, I feel that
even though
crime is a growing global problem,
mainly
caused by the lack of
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
and unlawful activities, various methods such as creating new jobs and taking severe actions are available which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this from worsening.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do think are the main causes of crime? how can we deal with those causes? v. 12

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
264 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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