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In many countries, teenagers have a part time jobs when they are still at school. Do you think it is a good idea? Use reasons and example to support your view. v.2

In many countries, teenagers have a part time jobs when they are still at school. Do you think it is a good idea? Use reasons and example to support your view. v. 2
In recent year, there is a trend that many students work part time while they are still at school. It is believed that teenagers chose this activity for several reasons. Firstly, this activity helps teenagers earn some money. There are many things which teenagers need to pay during school time such as material books, clothes, accommodation, party, just to name of few. Besides, all finance support from their parents might not meet their demand because not all teenagers come from wealthy family. Therefore, money earned from working part-time is really useful for them. As a result, teenagers might be less dependent on their family. Another benefit of working part-time is that teenagers can manage time effectively. There are several things teenagers have to do at school such as report, essay, projects like things and also spending time for friends, party, part-time jobs. It is needed to know how to use harmony time for both school and other things. Hence, teenagers will know how to make a priority plan to do things faster and convenient for themselves. Some people who argue that working part-time will lead students negligence of study at school and therefore they get bad results at the end of the course. However, I do not think this idea is valid. This is because if teenagers work part-time at companies which relate to their major they will get more experience in their fields. For example, IT students can work part time for IT company, they can practice what they learned at school such as analysis data, writing software, set up website like things. As a result, students will broaden their knowledge in their field and it is a good way for their success career. In conclusion, I would like to say that working part-time will bring some benefit for teenagers.
In recent year, there is a trend that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
work part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
while they are
still
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
chose this activity for several reasons.

Firstly
, this activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
need to pay during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
such as material books, clothes, accommodation, party,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to name of few.
Besides
, all finance support from their parents might not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their demand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from wealthy family.
Therefore
, money earned from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
part-time is
really
useful for them.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
might be less dependent on their family.

Another benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
part-time is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
can manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
effectively
. There are several things
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
such as report, essay, projects like things and
also
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for friends, party, part-time jobs. It
is needed
to know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
harmony
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and other things.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
will know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a priority plan to do things faster and convenient for themselves.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
part-time will lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
negligence of study at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
therefore
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
results at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the course.
However
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is valid. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
work part-time at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which relate to their major they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more experience in their fields.
For example
, IT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can work part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, they can practice what they learned at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
such as analysis data, writing software, set up website like things.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will broaden their knowledge in their field and it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way for their success career.

In conclusion
, I would like to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
part-time will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefit for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay In many countries, teenagers have a part time jobs when they are still at school. Do you think it is a good idea? Use reasons and example to support your view. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
301 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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