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In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part time jobs. Some think this is a good development while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part time jobs. Some think this is a good development while others disagree. v. 2
It is believed in some nations that part-time jobs are beneficial for adolescents; however, some adults discourage their children from working part time because it will have detrimental impacts on teenagers’ academic performance. Despite this drawback, I firmly believe that young people should take up part-time jobs as they can cultivate the essential skills while working. It is obvious that having a part-time job will divert students’ focus from studying. Due to the desire for making money, they tend to pay exclusive attention to their tasks to get perks rather than concentrating on their homework. In other words, they will shorten the amount of time allocated for their academic work, which will diminish their performance at school. Furthermore, the heavy workload may place constraints on their sleep time and cause fatigue. It is the tiredness that prevents teenagers from involving in learning in class. On the other hand, some parents encourage their children to be a part-time employee because of opportunities to sharpen important skills. While working, they will stand a chance of meeting many people with different characteristics; hence, they can learn interpersonal communication and how to handle them. For instance, to deal with difficult customers, it is crucial for a waiter to listen and have empathy with them rather than shouting and getting angry. Additionally, youngsters can improve their vertical communication by working and discussing with their leaders, which is of paramount importance for their future jobs. In conclusion, although having a part-time job will adversely influence students’ academic results, it offers them opportunities to cultivate practical skills that will enhance their future employability. My view is that teenagers should manage their time to balance work and study to make the most of part-time jobs.
It
is believed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations that part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are beneficial for adolescents;
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adults discourage their children from working part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will have detrimental impacts on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
’ academic performance. Despite this drawback, I
firmly
believe that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should take up part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
as they can cultivate the essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
while working.

It is obvious that having a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
will divert students’ focus from studying. Due to the desire for making money, they tend to pay exclusive attention to their tasks to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
perks
rather
than concentrating on their homework.
In other words
, they will shorten the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
allocated for their academic work, which will diminish their performance at school.
Furthermore
, the heavy workload may place constraints on their sleep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and cause fatigue. It is the tiredness that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
from involving in learning in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents encourage their children to be a part-time employee
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of opportunities to sharpen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. While working, they will stand a chance of meeting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
characteristics;
hence
, they can learn interpersonal communication and how to handle them.
For instance
, to deal with difficult customers, it is crucial for a waiter to listen and have empathy with them
rather
than shouting and getting angry.
Additionally
, youngsters can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their vertical communication by working and discussing with their leaders, which is of paramount importance for their future jobs.

In conclusion
, although having a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
will
adversely
influence students’ academic results, it offers them opportunities to cultivate practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that will enhance their future employability. My view is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to balance work and study to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most of part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part time jobs. Some think this is a good development while others disagree. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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