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In many countries nowadays, young single people no longer stay with their parents until they are married, but leave to study or work somewhere else. Do you think this trend has more advantages or disadvantages? v.4

In many countries nowadays, young single people no longer stay with their parents until they are married, but leave to study or work somewhere else. Do you think this trend has more advantages or disadvantages? v. 4
Nowadays, people leaving homes at an early age - is quite in a vogue. Some people consider that staying away from home in young age either to study or for work has more advantages than disadvantages.   In my opinion, leaving parents behind and moving apart has many drawbacks than benefits. Today, the world has become more competitive than before. With the growing advancements and modernization, lust for power, money, better lifestyle has also increased a lot. Young people always try to cope up with this fast moving world. Hence, in search for their desires they move away from parents and home at an early age either to study further or in search for better jobs. I admit that this is essential, as it provides exposure, increases job perspective, better salary, modern lifestyle and so on, but there are disadvantages as well. These are as follows: First of all, youngsters when they move out, they are totally unaware of the world and its challenges. They initially feel isolated and sometimes feel homesick. This can lead to depression if they don't find a way to get rid of it. For example, a student may find it difficult to stay alone after he/she has stayed with the family for a long time. Secondly, problems of accommodation may arise as moving to a new place and finding a proper room to live is quite a tedious job. At this point of time, people may get frustrated and cannot concentrate on the goal that they have been here to achieve. Lastly, a most common problem that many people face is self-satisfaction. If they find themselves not satisfied, they tend to indulge in activities that are not acceptable to the society. For example, salary and promotion issues compel workers to commit crimes such as theft, robbery etc. To conclude, for all the above-mentioned points, it is essential for the parents to be with their children to support them, encourage them to move further and above all provide them with love and care. Therefore, in my view, though there are some advantages of leaving homes early but disadvantages are far more than that.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
at an early age
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
is quite in a vogue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that staying away from home in young age either to study or for work has more advantages than disadvantages.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
In my opinion, leaving parents behind and moving apart has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks than benefits.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, the world has become more competitive than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. With the growing advancements and modernization, lust for power, money, better lifestyle has
also
increased a lot. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always try to cope up with this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
moving world.
Hence
, in search for their desires they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
away from parents and home at an early age either to study
further
or in search for better jobs. I admit that this is essential, as it provides exposure, increases job perspective, better salary, modern lifestyle and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are disadvantages
as well
. These are as follows:

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, youngsters when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out, they are
totally
unaware of the world and its challenges. They
initially
feel isolated and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
feel homesick. This can lead to depression if they don't find a way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of it.
For example
, a student may find it difficult to stay alone after he/she has stayed with the family for a long time.
Secondly
, problems of accommodation may arise as moving to a new place and finding a proper room to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
is quite a tedious job. At this point of time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
frustrated and cannot concentrate on the goal that they have been here to achieve.
Lastly
, a most common problem that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face is self-satisfaction. If they find themselves not satisfied, they tend to indulge in activities that are not acceptable to the society.
For example
, salary and promotion issues compel workers to commit crimes such as theft, robbery etc.

To conclude
, for all the above-mentioned points, it is essential for the parents to be with their children to support them, encourage them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
further
and
above all
provide them with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and care.
Therefore
, in my view, though there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
early
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
disadvantages are far more than that.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries nowadays, young single people no longer stay with their parents until they are married, but leave to study or work somewhere else. Do you think this trend has more advantages or disadvantages? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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