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In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people consider it valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this? v.16

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people consider it valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. with this? v. 16
Some people believe that the juvenile is employed in some paid jobs which bring some benefits. It is crucial for acquiring rewarding knowledge and being shoulder responsibility. Although this is true to a certain extent, my opinion is that having a paid work will put children in a disadvantaged situation. Clearly, salaried work supports children to reach maturity and to familiarize themselves with society. Firstly, children having paid employment tend to suffer from social from societal problems such as employment conflict, commercial fraud. As a consequence, they will achieve experience in taking to tackle these problems as well. Secondly, adolescent who have an income may become independent and self-reliant than their peers. They can pay bills and manage their budget reasonably, all of which are valuable life skills and help children to be more responsible. However, these benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks paid job brings to children. From a personal perspective, not only is it inessential but also worthless for a teenager to have a job. Extracurricular activities at school could bring to children various of positive experience and valuable thinking skills such as being a community leader, making a speech whereas working environment could only help them gain negative touchstone. From a societal perspective, the idea that child labours could gain work experience and be more responsible is harming the prospect of a nation's development. If this were the case, perhaps children would have to face the dilemma of whether to get a job or continue their education so that a large number of students drop out of school. Hence, there is a shortage of a well-educated workforce, which affect strongly to the prosperity of a country. In conclusion, it seems to me that authorities should enforce a measure to diminish the number of child labourers, due to the step forward of children in the later stage of life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the juvenile
is employed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits. It is crucial for acquiring rewarding knowledge and being shoulder responsibility. Although this is true to a certain extent, my opinion is that having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
work will put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a disadvantaged situation.

Clearly
, salaried work supports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to reach maturity and to familiarize themselves with society.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
employment tend to suffer from social from societal problems such as employment conflict, commercial fraud. As a consequence, they will achieve experience in taking to tackle these problems
as well
.
Secondly
, adolescent who have an income may become independent and
Use "(self-reliant)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
self-reliant
than their peers. They can pay bills and manage their budget
reasonably
, all of which are valuable life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be more responsible.

However
, these benefits
are outweighed
by the drawbacks
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
brings to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. From a personal perspective, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
is it inessential
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
worthless for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Extracurricular activities at school could bring to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
various of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
experience and valuable thinking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as being a community leader, making a speech whereas working environment could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
touchstone. From a societal perspective, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labours' is British English.
labours
could gain work experience and be more responsible is harming the prospect of a nation's development. If this were the case, perhaps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face the dilemma of whether to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or continue their education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
students drop out of school.
Hence
, there is a shortage of a well-educated workforce, which affect
strongly
to the prosperity of a country.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that authorities should enforce a measure to diminish the number of child
Possible spelling mistake found.
labourers
, due to the step forward of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the later stage of life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people consider it valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. with this? v. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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