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Both government and individuals are spending a large amount of money for protecting animals and their habitat. This money should be better spent dealing with fundamental issues in society such as poverty and health care. To what extent do you agree? v.2

It is often observed that a hefty amount of resources is deployed on protecting animals and their habitats by both states and people. It is argued that such resources could be better spent in tackling other basic problems in society namely poverty and health care. I support this view that instead of allocating resources extensively on preserving animals and their natural environment, it is more sensible to address pressing issues of the society. Many countries around the world are facing an enormous number of problems. One of these problems is poverty. According to the UN report, more than half of the people in the world are living below the poverty line. This means that either they have no-access or limited access to food, water, clothes, or shelter. In such a miserable situation, it seems illogical and insensible that the governments and the people who are better off spend their money on protecting animals and their habitat, while the poor are disenfranchised of basic life necessities. This behaviour creates not only depression and hopelessness in the society, but also compel poor to commit crimes or sometimes suicide. For instance, recently in a slump of Karachi, a disheartened father tried to take his own life, when his children who did not eat anything for days, asked him for food. In contrast, if the government or people used their money to eradicate poverty and hunger, this would have never happened. Moreover, poverty gives birth to several other problems such as pollution, which not only affects our environment, but other species as well. In other words, when people are not able to take care of themselves, how will they be able to take care of their environment? Due to poverty, insufficient sanitary facilities and improper sewerage infrastructure in developing countries, rivers and oceans are polluted to a point that they are no more inhabitable for aquatic biodiversity. For example, a recent survey showed that a variety of fish population has been reduced to almost half in the Indus River, owing to industrial and residential waste being dumped into the river. Therefore, it is crucial to allocate funds for the development of such infrastructures, which not only improves people’s lives, but also saves other species and their habitats. To conclude, while other people’s opinion may vary, in my opinion, the governments and the society should put in ample funding to address fundamental issues such as poverty and its related problems which directly affects people and the environment rather than on the matters that are merely the result of the above factors.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
observed that a hefty amount of resources
is deployed
on protecting animals and their habitats by both states and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It
is argued
that such resources could be better spent in tackling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in society
namely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
and health care. I support this view that
instead
of allocating resources
extensively
on preserving animals and their natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
, it is more sensible to address pressing issues of the society.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
countries around the world are facing an enormous number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. One of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
. According to the UN report, more than half of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world are living below the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
line. This means that either they have no-access or limited access to food, water, clothes, or shelter. In such a miserable situation, it seems illogical and insensible that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are better off spend their money on protecting animals and their habitat, while the poor
are disenfranchised
of basic life necessities. This
Possible spelling mistake. ‘behaviour’ is British English.
behaviour
creates not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
depression and hopelessness in the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
compel poor to commit crimes or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
suicide.
For instance
, recently in a slump of Karachi, a disheartened father tried to take his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life, when his children who did not eat anything for days, asked him for food.
In contrast
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
their money to eradicate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
and hunger, this would have never happened.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
gives birth to several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as pollution, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affects our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
species
as well
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not able to take care of themselves, how will they be able to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
? Due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
, insufficient sanitary facilities and improper sewerage infrastructure in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, rivers and oceans
are polluted
to a point that they are no more inhabitable for aquatic biodiversity.
For example
, a recent survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that a variety of fish population has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to almost half in the Indus River, owing to industrial and residential waste
being dumped
into the river.
Therefore
, it is crucial to allocate funds for the development of such infrastructures, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
saves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
species and their habitats.

To conclude
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
opinion may vary, in my opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and the society should put in ample funding to address fundamental issues such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
and its related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
which
directly
affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
rather
than on the matters that are
merely
the result of the above factors.
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As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Both governments and individuals are spending vast amounts of money protecting animals and their habitat. This money could be better spent dealing with fundamental issues in society such as poverty and health care.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
426 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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