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Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmers (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). v.1

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmers (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). v. 1
In the last few years, many new ideas and beliefs arose aiming to improve society and reinforce the relationship between members of a society. One of the proposed ideas, yet under observation, is to make it compulsory for high school students to do some programmes, of course, charity ones, to assist their community. Firstly, I am completely supporting the idea that: helping promote the society is one of the main duties of a righteous and positive member. Imagine that in the vacation, some youths, and even all ages, work for charitable organisations which help the poor, the sick, the learners and others. Imagine other group cleaning and decorating the streets- of course, that won't affect their dignity- or teaching the young. Indeed that will lead to an extremely modern, civilised and loving community. However, all these are examples, and there are many other ways to improve societies, both charitable and uncharitable methods. Despite this, the idea of compulsory charitable work doesn't sound good for me. I believe that making that compulsory, will not lead to the heroic purpose of the charitable work i. e. the inner desire to help others, but, instead, will make it a type of finishing your work. I know that this proposed idea aims to teach high school students to be responsible to their society and to take care of others, but I think there is a more efficient method. There are now working groups in many schools in different places which do such charitable work and even without inspiration from the school's administration. So why not make many groups in all schools, and I think that will attract many students. In conclusion, I think there are other better ways to promote the society without making it compulsory; the sitting compulsory subjects are enough.
In the last few years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
and beliefs arose aiming to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and reinforce the relationship between members of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. One of the proposed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideas
,
yet
under observation, is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compulsory
for high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
,
of course
, charity ones, to assist their community.

Firstly
, I am completely supporting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
that: helping promote the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is one of the main duties of a righteous and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
member. Imagine that in the vacation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
youths, and even all ages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charitable
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the poor, the sick, the learners
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
. Imagine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
group cleaning and decorating the streets-
of course
, that won't affect their dignity- or teaching the young.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Indeed
that will lead to an
extremely
modern,
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilised' is British English.
civilised
and loving community.
However
, all these are examples, and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charitable
and uncharitable methods. Despite this, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compulsory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
doesn't sound
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for me. I believe that making that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compulsory
, will not lead to the heroic purpose of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
the inner desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
,
instead
, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it a type of finishing your work.

I know that this proposed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
aims to teach high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students to be responsible to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and to take care of others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there is a more efficient method. There are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
working groups in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places which do such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and even without inspiration from the school's administration.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
why not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
groups in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that will attract
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
better ways to promote the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
without making it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compulsory
; the sitting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compulsory
subjects are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmers (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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