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In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard? v.7

In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard? v. 7
These days, it is true that a wide of individuals tend to more diligent than others, and this is popular in studying and working. Although it is beneficial to achieve the aims, I believe that it can have negative effects on health. On the one hand, working hard is a good way which helps people easily reach their goals. Firstly, numerous students make many efforts during their study time, especially in the exams to obtain good marks because these marks will help them to get excellent qualifications. As a result, it will not be difficult for well-educated people to find the desired job. Secondly, if people work hard, they will be recognized for their attempts, and it would boost their job prospects. This may considerably help workers to make a lucrative income, which fulfills their all wishes. Consequently, these people would be more successful in their careers than others. On the other hand, people who work hard in the long term usually face many health problems. Instead of planning carefully to use their working time efficiently, some employees overwork, so this leads to dangerous consequences for their health, both mentally and physically. In fact, due to stressed or pressured, people who spend too much time working suffer from various issues in terms of eyes and heart, even depression. From several conducted studies, it was found that people who work longer than 8 hours a day have a 40 to 80% risk of heart disease, as opposed to those who work 8 hours a day or less. In conclusion, it is evident that work harder allows people to achieve their goals and earn more money. However, in the long run, it is not always a good thing because of its bad influences which directly affect people's health.
These days, it is true that a wide of individuals
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "tends"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'tend' is not always incorrect.)
tend
to more diligent than others, and this is popular in studying and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
. Although it is beneficial to achieve the aims, I believe that it can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on health.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
easily
reach their goals.
Firstly
, numerous students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
efforts during their study time,
especially
in the exams to obtain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these marks will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
excellent qualifications.
As a result
, it will not be difficult for well-educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to find the desired job.
Secondly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, they will
be recognized
for their attempts, and it would boost their job prospects. This may
considerably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
workers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a lucrative income, which fulfills their all wishes.
Consequently
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be more successful in their careers than others.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in the long term
usually
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems.
Instead
of planning
carefully
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
time
efficiently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
employees overwork,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
consequences for their health, both mentally and
physically
. In fact, due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
or pressured,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
spend too much time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
suffer from various issues in terms of eyes and heart, even depression. From several conducted studies, it
was found
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
longer than 8 hours a day have a 40 to 80%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of heart disease, as opposed to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
8 hours a day or less.

In conclusion
, it is evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to achieve their goals and earn more money.
However
, in the long run, it is not always a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influences which
directly
affect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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