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In certain countries, unemployment is so high that some have suggested children should stop their education after primary school to learn skills necessary to join the workforce. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

In certain countries, unemployment is so high that some have suggested children should stop their education after primary school to learn skills necessary to join the workforce. v. 1
It is true that there are many countries, which struggle with an immense unemployment rate, mostly in impoverished regions. As a remedy for this problem, some people indicate that children should leave school early and start to gain skills which are essential to break into the workforce. In my opinion, this is a shallow perspective, and I cannot agree with such a statement. To begin with, in most cases, education is indispensable in the stable future. According to many surveys, countries with a low rate of educated citizens, struggle with a higher number of unemployed than those in which being graduated is common. While educated people are enabled to find a various occupation, youngers with a basic education can only do physical works, which do nor require any specialist knowledge. Even though they learn useful skills, perspectives for promotion or better salary are tremendously low. What is more, poor working conditions and lack of possibilities for a better life make people unsatisfied and depressed, what disturbingly often lead them to quit their job and a conscious choice of being unemployed. Secondly, in the developing world, where automatization is inevitable, a number of professions replaced by machines roses, hence fewer workers are needed. However, at the same time demand for educated professionals increase. Advancement of technology will probably lead to the situation when the education will be a pivotal factor deciding about success in finding a job. From this regard, it will be remarkably hard to find a job without secondary or even higher education. To conclude, although young people starting to work early can obtain plenty of practical skills, they are less likely to achieve financial stability and find a job, than those obtaining a higher degree diploma. Early entry into the labour market is only a temporary solution and in a long-term perspective can even result in the unemployment rate increase.
It is true that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, which struggle with an immense unemployment rate,
mostly
in impoverished regions. As a remedy for this problem,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
indicate that children should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
school early and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to gain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are essential to break into the workforce. In my opinion, this is a shallow perspective, and I cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with such a statement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
in most cases
, education is indispensable in the stable future. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
surveys, countries with a low rate of educated citizens, struggle with a higher number of unemployed than those in which
being graduated
is common. While educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are enabled
to find a various occupation,
Possible spelling mistake found.
youngers
with a basic education can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do physical works, which do nor require any specialist knowledge.
Even though
they learn useful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, perspectives for promotion or better salary are
tremendously
low.
What is more
, poor working conditions and lack of possibilities for a better life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
unsatisfied and depressed, what
disturbingly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lead them to quit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and a conscious choice of
being unemployed
.

Secondly
, in the developing world, where automatization is inevitable, a number of professions replaced by machines roses,
hence
fewer workers
are needed
.
However
, at the same time demand for educated professionals increase. Advancement of technology will
probably
lead to the situation when the education will be a pivotal factor deciding about success in finding a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. From this regard, it will be
remarkably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
without secondary or even higher education.

To conclude
, although young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
starting to work early can obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, they are less likely to achieve financial stability and find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, than those obtaining a higher degree diploma. Early entry into the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a temporary solution and
The usual preposition for "perspective" is "from" not "in." "from a long-term perspective".
in a long-term perspective
can even result in the unemployment rate increase.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In certain countries, unemployment is so high that some have suggested children should stop their education after primary school to learn skills necessary to join the workforce. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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