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In many countries the level of crime is increasing and crimes are becoming more violent. Why do you think this is and what can be done about it? v.2

In many countries the level of crime is increasing and crimes are becoming more violent. Why do you think this is and what can be done about it? v. 2
It is true that the crime rate is increasing in many areas of the world. Many governments react to this problem by building prisons to contain the criminals. This has proved so unsuccessful that each year bigger and tougher prisons are needed. Perhaps we need to go back to the basics of this problem and assess the possible causes. One of the reasons that is often given is the increase in violence both on television and in computer games. While this may be responsible for making crimes more violent, I think, it is unrealistic to lay the blame for all criminal activity on the media. I think the main cause of the crime is the increasing gap between the rich and the poor, as well as the increasing use of drugs. The majority of crimes are being committed by people in need who are forced to take what they do not have and by people addicted to drugs. Solving these problems is not easy. We could try to ensure that more jobs are created so that the divide between rich poor is reduced. However, criminals need to be trained and rehabilitated so that they can enter the workforce. Furthermore, providing employment only addresses part of this problem; so far there has been little success in the war against drugs. I believe that crime will continue to rise, particularly in crowded and overpopulated areas, unless we can find an effective way to address these issues. Perhaps we can help to break the cycle by trying to ensure fewer young people enter a life of crime in the first place. We could do this through education and by making sure that they are able to work.
It is true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate is increasing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
areas of the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
react to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
by building prisons to contain the criminals. This has proved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
unsuccessful that each year bigger and tougher prisons
are needed
. Perhaps we need to go back to the basics of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and assess the possible causes.

One of the reasons
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
is the increase in violence both on television and in computer games. While this may be responsible for making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
more violent, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, it is unrealistic to lay the blame for all criminal activity on the media. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the main cause of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is the increasing gap between the rich and the poor,
as well
as the increasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of drugs. The majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are
being committed
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in need who
are forced
to take what they do not have and by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
addicted to drugs.

Solving these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
is not easy. We could try to ensure that more jobs
are created
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the divide between rich poor is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
However
, criminals need to
be trained
and rehabilitated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can enter the workforce.
Furthermore
, providing employment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
addresses part of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far there has been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
success in the war against drugs.

I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
will continue to rise,
particularly
in crowded and overpopulated areas, unless we can find an effective way to address these issues. Perhaps we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to break the cycle by trying to ensure fewer young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
enter a life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
in the
first
place. We could do this through education and by making sure that they are able to work.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries the level of crime is increasing and crimes are becoming more violent. Why do you think this is and what can be done about it? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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