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In America, customers can return a purchased item for a full refundwithin thirty days. Do you agree or disagree with this policy? Developyour position with illustrations and reasons. v.2

In America, customers can return a purchased item for a full refundwithin thirty days. with this policy? Developyour position with illustrations and reasons. v. 2
In my opinion, I agree with this strategy for several reasons. First of all, it is considered a source of flexibility for customers circumstances. For instance, last month, I bought a new trouser from one of a famous shop in trading center. When I arrived home, it didn' t appear suitable for my body and I heard from my father that my uncle died and I couldn' t come back to refund it at the same day so This thirty days permit me to had my full money so it is wonderful. Second, customers become trusted with their shop which accustomed to buy from it. As with that people can buy anything without fear of losing their money. For example, people can purchase items which is high cost with one with less cost. so It is greatful way. Third, the owner of shops who implement this strategy gain more benefit than others. As they gather more customers who purchasing everything in each ceremony from them. In fact, it is founded a strong relationship between sale man and his customer. It is good financial relation. For those reasons, full refund of purchased items within thirty day is very great way for more finance.
In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this strategy for several reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it
is considered
a source of flexibility for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
circumstances.
For instance
, last month, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a new trouser from one of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
shop in trading center. When I arrived home, it
Possible spelling mistake found.
didn&
#039; t appear suitable for my body and I heard from my father that my uncle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
and I
Possible spelling mistake found.
couldn&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back to refund it at the same day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This thirty days permit me to had my full money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is wonderful.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
become trusted with their shop which accustomed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
from it.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
with that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anything without fear of losing their money.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
items which is high cost with one with less cost.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
so
It is
Possible spelling mistake found.
greatful
way.

Third, the owner of shops who implement this strategy gain more benefit than others.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
they gather more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
who purchasing everything in each ceremony from them. In fact, it
is founded
a strong relationship between sale
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customer
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
financial relation.

For those reasons, full refund of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
items within thirty day is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
great way for more finance.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay In America, customers can return a purchased item for a full refundwithin thirty days. with this policy? Developyour position with illustrations and reasons. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
202 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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