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Improving living conditions within society is a far superior approach to crime prevention than the treat of punishment. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement and why? v.2

Improving living conditions within society is a far superior approach to crime prevention than the treat of punishment. with this statement and why? v. 2
The twenty-first century has been a rapid rise in the number of crimes all over the globe. As a result, one of the main aims of the government is to find the best way of crime prevention. From my point of view, although punishing criminals might temporarily reduce crime, improving living conditions may prevent reason to make a crime at all. This essay will support this view with arguments in the following paragraphs. To begin with, the majority of criminals make crimes due to the lack of money. To put it another way, some people think that there is the only way to survive in our expensive world is to be a thief, burglar or fraud. In this case, a large number of crimes can prevent by improving population life conditions. For example, recently the problem of unemployment has become quite popular among young people. Eventually, some parts of unemployed youth despair and choose the easiest way to earn money through crime. That is why, if the government gives more opportunities to find a job, increases the average salary, and supports citizens, the crimes would be prevented. On the other hand, many support the view that making crime is a disease. In other words, some criminals are mentally ill people, who live only to make a crime. I believe that this type of person has to be put into prisons or hospitals. To show an example, paedophilia do not stop after improving living conditions, the only solution for this terrible crime is to punish criminals. Nevertheless, to prevent a large proportion of the crime the government needs to revise population living standards. In conclusion, despite some of the perceived benefits from the punishment of the criminals, I still believe that the best solution to reduce crime is to improve people’s living conditions.
The twenty-
first
century has been a rapid rise in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
all over the globe.
As a result
, one of the main aims of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is to find the best way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
prevention. From my point of view, although punishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
might
temporarily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
conditions may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
reason to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
at all. This essay will support this view with arguments in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
due to the lack of money. To put it another way,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to survive in our expensive world is to be a thief, burglar or fraud.
In this case
,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
by improving population life conditions.
For example
, recently the problem of unemployment has become quite popular among young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Eventually
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of unemployed youth despair and choose the easiest way to earn money through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
That is
why, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
gives more opportunities to find a job, increases the average salary, and supports citizens, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
.

On the other hand
,
Possible agreement error. The noun support seems to be countable; consider using: "many supports".
many support
the view that making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is a disease.
In other words
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
are mentally ill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. I believe that this type of person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be put
into prisons or hospitals. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
an example,
Possible spelling mistake found.
paedophilia
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
after improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
conditions, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
solution for this terrible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is to punish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
.
Nevertheless
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
a large proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to revise population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
standards.

In conclusion
, despite
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
perceived benefits from the punishment of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
, I
still
believe that the best solution to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
conditions.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Improving living conditions within society is a far superior approach to crime prevention than the treat of punishment. with this statement and why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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