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The chart below show the average wages over of managerial and general staff and the profits of the company TRN between 2000 and 2003. v.1

The chart below show the average wages over of managerial and general staff and the profits of the company TRN between 2000 and 2003. v. 1
It is indubitable that nowadays both adults and children are addicted to fizzy drinks. This dramatic increase in the intake of sugar-based drinks have caused adverse effects on the well-being of individuals. In this essay, I shall analyse some of the reasons for high intake of sugary drinks and further provide with viable solutions. To begin with, it has been noted that most teenagers are more likely to become addicted to fizzy drinks; this is because of the modern interactive advertisements. Companies invest huge amounts of money to advertise their drinks, but with misleading or hidden information on the nutritional values of the drinks. For instance, a recent survey showed that 80% of the children have minimal information on the side effects of these drinks. As a result, such children have weak immune systems and they are prone to fall sick more often. One of the ways to tackle this problem is to introduce strict laws and impose heavy fines on such companies which mislead the people with false advertisements. In addition, such companies should also advertise the harmful effects of excessive intake of their products. Another reason for this dramatic increase is due to the usage of artificial additives and high levels of sugar by food companies to enhance the taste of their drinks. Consequently, people are more addicted to these drinks because of the improved and sweet taste. For example, people with high levels of sugar intake are overweight and usually have serious health problems. To combat this problem, schools and health centres should educate people about the negative impacts of high sugar intake. Moreover, healthy drinks should be introduced with no artificial additives to decrease the level of overall intake of sugary drinks. In conclusion, drinks with high levels of sugar have caused serious consequences to the physical and mental health of people. Governments should not procrastinate with the implementation of new laws and imposing heavy fines on such companies which produce unhealthy drinks.
It is indubitable that nowadays both adults and children
are addicted
to fizzy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
. This dramatic increase in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
of sugar-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
have caused adverse effects on the well-being of individuals. In this essay, I shall
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
of sugary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
and
further
provide with viable solutions.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it has
been noted
that most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are more likely to become addicted to fizzy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
; this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the modern interactive advertisements.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
invest huge amounts of money to advertise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with misleading or hidden information on the nutritional values of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
.
For instance
, a recent survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 80% of the children have minimal information on the side effects of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
.
As a result
, such children have weak immune
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
systems and
they are prone to fall sick more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
. One of the ways to tackle this problem is to introduce strict laws and impose heavy fines on such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
which mislead the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with false advertisements.
In addition
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should
also
advertise the harmful effects of excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
of their products.

Another reason for this dramatic increase is due to the usage of artificial additives and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
by food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to enhance the taste of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more addicted to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
and sweet taste.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
are overweight and
usually
have serious health problems. To combat this problem, schools and health
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
should educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
.
Moreover
, healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
should
be introduced
with no artificial additives to decrease the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
of sugary drinks.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
have caused serious
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "to". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences to
the physical and mental health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
should not procrastinate with the implementation of new laws and imposing heavy fines on such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
which produce unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay The chart below show the average wages over of managerial and general staff and the profits of the company TRN between 2000 and 2003. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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