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If you could change one important thing about your country what would you change Use reasons and specific examples to support your answers v.1

If you could change one important thing about your country what would you change Use reasons and specific examples to support your answers v. 1
There is a dramatic increase in the number of children who have got obesity, especially in some developed countries, where a massive amount of unhealthy food is consumed daily. Many people suppose that the government should do something to improve this issue. From my perspective, I completely disagree with this view and believe that the government as the only one who is responsible for combating the childhood obesity crisis. It is undeniable to say that the government has a major role to ensure the well-being of children. This means that when it comes to health-threatening diseases, as childhood obesity, the government should be the one to first realize such a threat, introduce and put solutions into practice. The government should reduce the time of television advertisements for fast food, which negatively affected children. Besides, the government would encourage food companies to declare all additives in ingredient descriptions, which helps consumers know clearly about what food they consume consists. Nevertheless, I would argue that parents have more duty to combat obesity in children. The first reason to be given is that an obese child could not receive all nutrients in their diet, especially the fiber from vegetables and fruit. The hectic schedule prevents parents from time for homemade food, therefore, children tend to eat fast food for a meal on a regular basis. In this way, their nutritional balances could be gravely affected; hence, parents have a direct impact on improving their children’s health by choosing and maintaining healthy eating habit which reduces sugar and fat. Moreover, the lack of physical activity is a top reason to make children gain weight unhealthily. Nowadays, most youngsters are in favour of the sedentary lifestyle and detest doing physical exercises. This means that the amount of calories from the food they consume is much higher than the ones they generate, which causes obesity. In this situation, parents are the only ones who can encourage or even force their children to do more exercise to protect their bodies from some illnesses. In conclusion, while some people suppose that the government should take responsibility to curb the obesity epidemic, I strongly believe that parents have a greater effect on improving their children’s health mainly because they can observe their kids directly.
There is a dramatic increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
obesity,
especially
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
, where a massive amount of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is consumed
daily.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suppose that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should do something to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this issue. From my perspective, I completely disagree with this view and believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one who is responsible for combating the childhood obesity crisis.

It is undeniable to say that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has a major role to ensure the well-being of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This means that when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to health-threatening diseases, as childhood obesity, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should be the one to
first
realize such a threat, introduce and put solutions into practice. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the time of television advertisements for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, which
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Besides
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
would encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to declare all additives in ingredient descriptions, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
consumers know
clearly
about what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
they consume consists.

Nevertheless
, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have more duty to combat obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The
first
reason to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
is that an obese child could not receive all nutrients in their diet,
especially
the fiber from vegetables and fruit. The hectic schedule
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
from time for homemade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for a meal on a regular basis. In this way, their nutritional balances could be
gravely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
;
hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a direct impact on improving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health by choosing and maintaining healthy eating habit which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
sugar and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
Moreover
, the lack of physical activity is a top reason to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
gain weight
unhealthily
. Nowadays, most youngsters are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the sedentary lifestyle and detest doing physical exercises. This means that the amount of calories from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
they consume is much higher than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
they generate, which causes obesity. In this situation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who can encourage or even force their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do more exercise to protect their bodies from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
illnesses.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suppose that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take responsibility to curb the obesity epidemic, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a greater effect on improving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can observe their kids
directly
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay If you could change one important thing about your country what would you change Use reasons and specific examples to support your answers v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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