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If people have the opportunity to have a secure job, they have it right away, or they should wait for a satisfying one v.2

If people have the opportunity to have a secure job, they have it right away, or they should wait for a satisfying one v. 2
In the last three decades, the job market has changed drastically. Some people prefer to wait for a dreamed job; however, others believe that if they have the chance to get a secure job, they have to get it right away. From a personal perspective, the latter point of view carries more weight, given that having a secure job has a positive impact on people' s experience and financial situation. Below I will strive to explain my supporting points in more detail. The first and foremost point, provided that people get a secure job, they could enhance their experience. To put it in other words, they will have the ability to amplify their thinking and expand their horizons. a vivid example that could be given to shed light on what was stated above is, five years ago, I immigrated form my country, which was Egypt, to Canada. I did not have the authorization to work in my career since I have to study to get my license. Thus, I worked as a pharmacy assistance until I finished my studying, which augmented my experience and helped me to discover my career path. Furthermore, working in a pharmacy gave me the opportunity to deal with Canadians, so I gained the fundamental North American Experience, which was very beneficial for me. Consequently, having a secure job is imperative to boost experience. Next coupled with experience, better financial situation is another exquisite point that should be born in mind. To be more elucidate, life, nowadays, has become very expensive; hence, working is not optional anymore. If people do not work and wait for a satisfying job, they cannot afford the high cost of living. For instance, ten years ago, the housing cost in California has increased dramatically, so people have to work to earn money for their expenses. In addition to that, the job market has become very competitive, so having a secure job is essential. Taking everything into consideration, without a doubt, People should have a secure job rather than waiting for a satisfying one. I suggested that people compromise and ensure that they attain a satisfying job, yet a secure one.
In the last three decades, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
drastically
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to wait for a dreamed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
;
however
, others believe that if they have the chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it right away. From a personal perspective, the latter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
of view carries more weight,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and financial situation. Below I will strive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
points
in more detail.

The
first
and foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
, provided that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they could enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
. To put it
in other words
, they will have the ability to amplify their thinking and expand their horizons.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
a
vivid example that could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to shed light on what
was stated
above is, five years ago, I immigrated form my country, which was Egypt, to Canada. I did not have the authorization to work in my career since I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
study to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
my license.
Thus
, I worked as a pharmacy assistance until I finished my studying, which augmented my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me to discover my career path.
Furthermore
, working in a pharmacy gave me the opportunity to deal with Canadians,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I gained the fundamental North American
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Experience
, which was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for me.
Consequently
, having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is imperative to boost experience.

Next
coupled with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, better financial situation is another exquisite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
that should
be born
in mind. To be more elucidate, life, nowadays, has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive;
hence
, working is not optional anymore. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not work and wait for a satisfying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they cannot afford the high cost of living.
For instance
, ten years ago, the housing cost in California has increased
dramatically
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work to earn money for their expenses.
In addition
to that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
competitive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is essential.

Taking everything into consideration, without a doubt,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
rather
than waiting for a satisfying one. I suggested that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
compromise and ensure that they attain a satisfying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
yet
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secure
one.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay If people have the opportunity to have a secure job, they have it right away, or they should wait for a satisfying one v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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