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If a university wants to attract students it must spend a lot of money on social activities for students v.1

If a university wants to attract students it must spend a lot of money on social activities for students v. 1
Over the last half-century, there has been a dramatic increase in the rate of obesity in many countries around the world. Consequently, many people suffer from many dangerous diseases that are related to obesity such as diabetes. High blood pressure, heart problems, and stroke. Therefore, numerous studies have been conducted to figure out the causes for this phenomenon as well as possible solutions have been proposed to tackle this program. Firstly, a sedentary lifestyle is a fundamental drawback. Of the advanced technology significantly has participated in the problem of obesity. For example, a recent study conducted in London has shown that the number of children playing active sports dropped by approximately 20% because of their interests in computer games. In addition, fast food is considered a major risk factor for obesity problem since it is cheap tasty and easily prepared in comparison to the healthy food cooked at home. To illustrate a new study published in a medical journal has revealed that junk food such as fried chicken and burger is rich in fats which is responsible for weight gain. Lastly, most of the scientists and physicians believe that genes are the true underlying cause of obesity. On the other hand, important steps and recommendations should be taken to solve this problem. To begin with, people of all age groups should be encouraged to play sports. For instance, the recent guidelines recommended daily exercise for at least half an hour to prevent gaining weight. Furthermore, the government should emphasize on health education to children, youngsters, and adults about the hazards of obesity. Moreover, high tax rates could be added to fast food and its advertisement should be prevented from television. To sum up, it can be seen that obesity is a devastating disease. However, the solutions are available and can be applied I do recommend that the government construct new leisure centres with subsidised fees to encourage people to practice a sport. If we worked for hand in hand with the health organizations, we could prevent the situation from further deterioration.
Over the last half-century, there has been a dramatic increase in the rate of obesity in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries around the world.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suffer from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
diseases that
are related
to obesity such as diabetes. High blood pressure, heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, and stroke.
Therefore
, numerous studies have
been conducted
to figure out the causes for this phenomenon
as well
as possible solutions have
been proposed
to tackle this program.

Firstly
, a sedentary lifestyle is a fundamental drawback. Of the advanced technology
significantly
has participated in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of obesity.
For example
, a recent study conducted in London has shown that the number of children playing active sports dropped by approximately 20%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their interests in computer games.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is considered
a major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
factor for obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
since it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
tasty and
easily
prepared
in comparison
to the healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
cooked at home. To illustrate a new study published in a medical journal has revealed that junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
such as fried chicken and burger is rich in fats which is responsible for weight gain.
Lastly
, most of the scientists and physicians believe that genes are the true underlying cause of obesity.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
steps and recommendations should
be taken
to solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of all age groups should
be encouraged
to play sports.
For instance
, the recent guidelines recommended daily exercise for at least half an hour to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
gaining weight.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should emphasize on health education to children, youngsters, and adults about the hazards of obesity.
Moreover
, high tax rates could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and its advertisement should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
from television.

To sum up, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that obesity is a devastating disease.
However
, the solutions are available and can
be applied
I do recommend that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
construct new leisure
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
with
Possible spelling mistake. 'subsidised' is British English.
subsidised
fees to encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to practice a sport. If we worked for hand in hand with the health organizations, we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the situation from
further
deterioration.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay If a university wants to attract students it must spend a lot of money on social activities for students v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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