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IELTS Writing Correction Service / Writing Samples / Band 5 In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of this. How can we deal with those causes? v.1

IELTS Writing Correction Service / Writing Samples / Band 5 In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of this. How can we deal with those causes? v. 1
In most of the countries, criminal activities are thriving day by day. This is caused by a number of reasons behind, such as unemployment, illiteracy, profusion, rising standards of living and many more. However there is no such issue which we cannot deal with so here in the essay below will discuss about the main reasons and the ways to face these causes. Firstly, the people who are unemployed are giving a main hit to the crime rate as these people cannot afford to live in a society they get involved to do crimes to fulfil their basic needs unaware of the fact that the results can be destructive to their lives. Secondly, illiteracy is also a huge problem for society as these people do not have any knowledge about how to live in a society with a good manner in addition, these people are agile and can be influenced easily to do any wrong task. Furthermore, profusion is also a reason which is getting worse as due to lack of facilities some people do not get what they want which makes them disturbed owing to their involvement in crimes. On the other hand, there are few things which can be done to face or deal with such a problem. The government and societies should take the equal initiative to solve this obstacle for instance, Free education should be provided to people who cannot afford to study moreover employment opportunities can be introduced so that each one can earn money to serve their families. And of course strict action should be taken who are convicted of any crime so they can learn about the outcomes of their doings. To sum up, I would say there are considerable causes of the increase of crime rates and of course by taking appropriate steps this problem can be dealt with at least there would be a small change if each and every person get involved to solve this issue.
In most of the countries, criminal activities are thriving day by day. This
is caused
by a number of reasons behind, such as unemployment, illiteracy, profusion, rising standards of living and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
there is no such issue which we cannot deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
here in the essay below will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
main reasons and the ways to face these causes.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are unemployed
are giving a main hit to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
to fulfil their basic needs unaware of the fact that the results can be destructive to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Secondly
, illiteracy is
also
a huge problem for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have any knowledge about how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
manner
in addition
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are agile and can
be influenced
easily
to do any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
task.
Furthermore
, profusion is
also
a reason which is getting worse
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
due to lack of facilities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
what they want which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them disturbed owing to their involvement in crimes.

On the other hand
, there are few things which can
be done
to face or deal with such a problem. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
should take the equal initiative to solve this obstacle
for instance
, Free education should
be provided
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who cannot afford to study
moreover
employment opportunities can
be introduced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that each one can earn money to serve their families. And
of course
strict action should
be taken
who
are convicted
of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can learn about the outcomes of their doings.

To sum up, I would say there are considerable causes of the increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates and
of course
by taking appropriate steps this problem can
be dealt
with at least there would be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
if each and every person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved to solve this issue.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay IELTS Writing Correction Service / Writing Samples / Band 5 In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of this. How can we deal with those causes? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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