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IELTS ESSAY - Nowadays, students find it hard to study at universities compared to school studies. Why this is happening. What is the solution to this problem? v.1

IELTS ESSAY - Nowadays, students find it hard to study at universities compared to school studies. Why this is happening. What is the solution to this problem? v. 1
Youth unemployment is certainly a worrying challenge for most countries, especially at a time of economic instability and social unrest. However, to say that this is the largest issue is to overlook a range of equally pressing matters, as we will discuss now. It must be admitted that joblessness can undermine a young person’s economic prospects and consequent social mobility. Nevertheless, this issue can be ameliorated by coordinating action between the state and the private sector, as we have seen, for instance, in Canada recently. When this is realized, we can see that other concerns are at least as serious. Foremost among these is perhaps the issue of age demographics, whereby young people bear the burden for an increasingly elderly population with high longevity. This means that young people will pay higher taxes and work longer hours, possibly forcing them to migrate to countries where this pressure is lower. The effect of this is the ‘brain drain’ situation which can be seen in southern Europe, where young, ambitious people prefer to leave their countries altogether, exacerbating the problem for those remaining. Furthermore, we must remember that a substantial proportion of young people globally face existential threats such as famine, drought or outbreaks of disease. These problems are often caused by (or are compounded by) civil war, political instability or the corruption of people in power locally. Such risks are a danger to their safety in addition to their livelihood, and so would appear to be far more serious than unemployment. To conclude, it seems logical to accept that joblessness is a major challenge for young people. However, persistent trends in demographics among developed countries and the presence of physical dangers in developing countries should be regarded as at least as severe.
Youth unemployment is
certainly
a worrying challenge for most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
especially
at a time of economic instability and social unrest.
However
, to say that this is the largest issue is to overlook a range of
equally
pressing matters, as we will discuss
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be admitted
that joblessness can undermine a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
person’s economic prospects and consequent social mobility.
Nevertheless
, this issue can
be ameliorated
by coordinating action between the state and the private sector, as we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
,
for instance
, in Canada recently. When this
is realized
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that other concerns are at least as serious. Foremost among
The verb 'is' is singular. Did you mean: "This is" or "these am", "these are", "these aren"?
these is
perhaps the issue of age demographics, whereby
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
bear the burden for an
increasingly
elderly population with high longevity. This means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will pay higher taxes and work longer hours,
possibly
forcing them to migrate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where this pressure is lower. The effect of this is the ‘brain drain’ situation which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
southern Europe
, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
, ambitious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
altogether, exacerbating the problem for those remaining.

Furthermore
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
remember that a substantial proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
globally face existential threats such as famine, drought or outbreaks of disease. These problems are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
caused by (or
are compounded
by) civil war, political instability or the corruption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in power
locally
. Such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to their safety
in addition
to their livelihood, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
would appear to be far more serious than unemployment.

To conclude
, it seems logical to accept that joblessness is a major challenge for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
, persistent trends in demographics among developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and the presence of physical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should
be regarded
as at least as severe.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay IELTS ESSAY - Nowadays, students find it hard to study at universities compared to school studies. Why this is happening. What is the solution to this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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