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How companies use different method to increase sales of their products. Discuss and give your opinion. v.1

How companies use different method to increase sales of their products. Discuss and give your opinion. v. 1
In recent times, technological advancement has been in the limelight and has aroused the wide concern. Although some people opine that the technological development has led all humans to better, even the deprived ones, I would argue that the gap between poor people and rich people is being raised by the availability of individual’s high-tech facilities. On the one hand, there are many reasons why the technological advancement is proven to bring numerous merits for low-income people. In the past, the deprived ones could not approach the high quality education system, which is changing significantly. In recent times, numerous courses from the education websites of famous universities over the world allow students to enrol without any fees. To exemplify, information technology students from the developing countries could take part in courses from international education websites such as Udemy, Coursera, TreeHouse to learn particular programming languages and obtain valuable certificates after completing the courses, which sets the pivotal platform for the future career. As a result, a percentage of people assume that the development of technology enhances the quality of life of social. On the other hand, those who believe that by development of technology, the rich have gained more beneficial have their own reasons. Firstly, the more luxury goods are produced by different companies, the more the more well-to-do citizens have more choices to purchase more variety of magnificent items. To take a concrete example, the Apple company, a well-known high-tech firm in Silicon Valley, has produced a new version of smart phones as well as smart watch with the prices of over 2000 USD. Therefore, only wealthy people with tremendous saving could buy it. Secondly, technological facilities from hospital could treat a range of serious diseases with the high cost, which is only affordable for the wealthy. The poor ones, especially from the developing countries, suffer the severe pain or even die because of the lack of money. In conclusion, while the notion of strengthening the quality of life of technological development is worthwhile in the view of some people, there are more convincing reasons why the availability of individual’s high-tech facilities raises the gap between the deprived people and the wealthy
In recent times,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
advancement has been in the limelight and has aroused the wide concern. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
has led all humans to better, even the deprived
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, I would argue that the gap between poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
being raised
by the availability of individual’s high-tech facilities.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
advancement
is proven
to bring numerous merits for low-income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In the past, the deprived
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
could not approach the high quality education system, which is changing
significantly
. In recent times, numerous courses from the education websites of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
universities over the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
students to enrol without any fees. To exemplify, information technology students from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in courses from international education websites such as Udemy, Coursera,
Possible spelling mistake found.
TreeHouse
to learn particular programming languages and obtain valuable certificates after completing the courses, which sets the pivotal platform for the future career.
As a result
, a percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assume that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of technology enhances the quality of life of social.

On the other hand
, those who believe that by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of technology, the rich have gained more beneficial have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons.
Firstly
, the more luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
are produced
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "the more".
the more the more
well-to-do citizens have more choices to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
more variety of magnificent items. To take a concrete example, the Apple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, a well-known high-tech firm in Silicon Valley, has produced a new version of smart phones
as well
as smart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
with the prices of over 2000 USD.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with tremendous saving could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
facilities from hospital could treat a range of serious diseases with the high cost, which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affordable for the wealthy. The poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
,
especially
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, suffer the severe pain or even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lack of money.

In conclusion
, while the notion of strengthening the quality of life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is worthwhile in the view of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, there are more convincing reasons why the availability of individual’s high-tech facilities raises the gap between the deprived
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and the wealthy
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay How companies use different method to increase sales of their products. Discuss and give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
362 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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