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Governments should spend more money on education than on recreation and sports. v.4

Governments should spend more money on education than on recreation and sports. v. 4
Almost all governments, across the globe, have a yearly budget to distribute money for various activities. I agree that governments should allocate a higher budget for education compared to recreation and sports. This can be proven by analysing, how spending more money on education can reduce unemployment rate as well as decrease crime rate and can positively enhance the people’s life standard. If more people are educated in a country, it is apparent that the employment rate of that nation will be high, as there are a lot of skilled employments available throughout the world. But to have many people educated, the governments should provide good education system which is affordable by the citizens. For example, as per the report published in the Week magazine during August 2015, America has very less unemployment rate as the government provides best quality education to the citizens at a very minimal fee. Thus, it is obvious that the government should focus on spending more on the education sector. The recreation and sports activities are also important for people but the education has far better importance. As the society has more social knowledge, the crime rate will be reduced. This is due to the fact that education creates a positive mentality among the people. For instance, as per the BBC report telecasted on January 2015, Nigeria has a crime rate which is 20 times more than the USA. Therefore it is the responsibility of the governments to ensure that the citizens are educated by providing adequate infrastructure. In addition to that, governments should even make the secondary education free and mandatory. Hence it is very clear that governments must allocate a higher budget for education. Sports and other recreation can improve people’s life standard but what benefits it can bring when the people have poverty and they are engaging in crime? By analysing how allocating more money for education can increase employment rate and make the earth a safer place to live, it is very important that governments should allocate a higher percent of the budget on education. It is predicted that importance is given to recreation and sports as well, but not at the cost of education.
Almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
, across the globe, have a yearly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
to distribute money for various activities. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should allocate a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recreation
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. This can
be proven
by
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
, how spending more money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
as well
as decrease crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
and can
positively
enhance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life standard.

If more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are educated
in a country, it is apparent that the employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of that nation will be high, as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
skilled employments available throughout the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
educated, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system which is affordable by the citizens.
For example
, as per the report published in the Week magazine during August 2015, America has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
A determiner is probably missing here: "provides the best".
provides best
quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to the citizens at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
minimal fee.
Thus
, it is obvious that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should focus on spending more on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
sector. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recreation
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has far better importance.

As the society has more social knowledge, the crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
This is due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
creates a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
mentality among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
, as per the BBC report
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "telecast", the past tense form of the verb 'telecast'?
telecasted
on January 2015, Nigeria has a crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
which is 20 times more than the USA.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it is the responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
to ensure that the citizens
are educated
by providing adequate infrastructure.
In addition
to that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
free and mandatory.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
allocate a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recreation
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life standard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
what benefits it can bring when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
poverty and
they are engaging in crime?

By
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
how allocating more money for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can increase employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the earth a safer place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should allocate a higher percent of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. It
is predicted
that importance is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recreation
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as well
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not at the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Governments should spend more money on education than on recreation and sports. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
364 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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