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Governments should make people responsible for looking after their own local environment. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Governments should make people responsible for looking after their own local environment. v. 2
Over the past decades, environmental problem has never ceased to draw public attention and provoke debates. Although governments have been spending magnificence effort to tackle with it, the issue as to whether people should take almost responsibility for their local environment or not remain controversial. From my own perspective this approach would be very shortsighted view following the reason below. On the one hands, it is important to recognize that the chef culprit of air pollution is the rapid growth of manufactory industry. In fact, the pollutants from industries which are discharged into atmosphere have to be accountable for the reducing of air condition. this problem seem likely too big to individuals to solve, so that, governments should play an irreplaceable role in order to minimizing it. if authorities could control the emission and impose environmental friendly materials into factories, I believe that environmental problems should be addressed in short time. On the other hand, some may argue that the contribution of residents is also necessary. this argument could be true to some extent because individuals should play significant role toward the safety of environmental by simple actions such as not using the enormous of plastic which would damage natural behaviors, in daily life. Moreover, it is undeniable that gas emission from transportation is one of the producer of carbon dioxide. so that, if people could change their travelling habits, this issue could be more acceptable. For example, in some countries like Japan, people prefer consuming public transport which use eco-friendly energy such as electric or solid rather than private vehicles. As a result, the local air conditions have been significantly improving. this example indicates that the attitude of resident to environmental protecting should never be underestimated. In conclusion, making people be responsible for environmental problem is paramount important. However, the comprehensive solution needs the combination of both governments and residents as mentioned above
Over the past decades,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
has never ceased to draw public attention and provoke debates. Although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
have been spending magnificence effort to tackle with it, the issue
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take almost responsibility for their local environment or not remain controversial. From my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective this approach would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
shortsighted view following the reason below.

On the one hands, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to recognize that the chef culprit of air pollution is the rapid growth of
Possible spelling mistake found.
manufactory
industry. In fact, the pollutants from industries which
are discharged
into atmosphere
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be accountable for the reducing of air condition. this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
seem likely too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
to individuals to solve,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should play an irreplaceable role in order to
Did you mean "minimize"?
minimizing
it. if authorities could control the emission and impose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
friendly materials into factories, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
should
be addressed
in short time.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may argue that the contribution of residents is
also
necessary.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
argument could be true to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
individuals should play significant role toward the safety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
by simple actions such as not using
The phrase 'the enormous of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the enormous of
plastic which would damage natural behaviors, in daily life.
Moreover
, it is undeniable that gas emission from transportation is one of the producer of carbon dioxide.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
so
that, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their travelling habits, this issue could be more acceptable.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries like Japan,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer consuming public transport which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
eco-friendly energy such as electric or solid
rather
than private vehicles.
As a result
, the local air conditions have been
significantly
improving.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
example indicates that the attitude of resident to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
protecting should never
be underestimated
.

In conclusion
, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
be responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is paramount
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
However
, the comprehensive solution needs the combination of both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and residents as mentioned above
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Governments should make people responsible for looking after their own local environment. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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